BLOG OF CHRIS PHILBROOK
New releases & inner musings
If you’re not a subscriber to my email newsletter…
I just sent out an email that has some pretty neat offers in it. Couple of real cool rarities alongside some signed stuff you can order straight from me at a deal.
Click this link to be taken to the hosting page for my newsletter, or, if you’re already getting my newsletter, check your email for the message itself.
Here’s the email, read it like you own it.
Any questions, holler.
-Chris
Happy 9th Birthday AUD!
Yep. You read it right. Adrian’s Undead Diary turns nine this month. The 21st, specifically, as it was the first entry Adrian plugged into Mr. Journal.
How cool is that? Nine years of Adrian, Abby, Gilbert, Michelle, Kevin, Patty, and more. Nine years of zombies, nine years of spent brass, nine years of widescreen porn.
How far I’ve come.
To celebrate not only that, but my birthday, my wife Leah and I’s wedding anniversary, AND Leah’s birthday, I’ve put the first AUD omnibus on sale for five days, starting on the 17th. How cheap did I make the first four books?
They’re free. Free. Your favorite four letter word beginning with F. Click the banner for the boxed set’s page.
Get the set on your Kindle now, or gift it, or tell a friend, or whatever. Thank you for all you’ve done these past nine years, and I’m looking forward to nine more.
Zeud & the Prophets of Atomic Fire has released!
Zeud & the Prophets of Atomic Fire
Dragon versus walking atomic bombs.
There’s also some fairies, a baku, a minotaur, a space port and Chernobyl.
Audiobook is out now from Audible Studios, eBook is out now
from me, and print will be out like… any minute, once Amazon gets off their tokhis and releases it.
My job is done here. Enjoy the newest release in the world of The Reemergence.
#micdrop#newrelease#urbanfantasy#dragons#amwriting#amreading#novel#reemergence#Tesser
Zeud; one of seven and the dragon of flame has taken Abraham and Spoon into her island retreat off the coast of Greece to give the younger Tapper agent time to heal from the grievous wounds he suffered in London. On the outside, Abe seems to be progressing well. On the inside….
But then the news tells of a massive explosion in the Quarantine Zone surrounding Fukushima, Japan. This explosion caused damage to the ruins, but somehow… removed all the radiation from the reactor catastrophe, and left behind the signs of powerful magic.
Abraham and Spoon bring Zeud to Japan to investigate, and are dragged into a unfolding catastrophe at the hands of those responsible for the Fukushima incident. You see… they were trying to fix Japan’s scar with their magic, but in the process, unleashed something never before combined on Earth;
The power of magic, mixed with the power of the atom.
Time is short before what they have done will destroy far more than Japan, and it’s a race for the two Tapper agents, and the Dragon of Fire to stop them.
Can the dragon of fire fight a nuclear bomb?
The Bleed
The Bleed
A whole new apocalypse from the minds behind Autumn, Hater, Adrian’s Undead Diary, Colony Lost, Zombie Fallout, and Lycan Fallout.
Written by David Moody, Chris Philbrook and Mark Tufo.
Head to Facebook to follow the series page and join the fan club group to stay up to date on the series as we descend towards release.
Zeud & the Prophets of Atomic Fire up for pre-order!
Zeud & the Prophets of Atomic Fire
A Reemergence Novel – 5
Zeud; one of seven and the dragon of flame has taken Abraham and Spoon into her island retreat off the coast of Greece to give the younger Tapper agent time to heal from the grievous wounds he suffered in London. On the outside, Abe seems to be progressing well. On the inside….
But then the news tells of a massive explosion in the Quarantine Zone surrounding Fukushima, Japan. This explosion caused damage to the ruins, but somehow… removed all the radiation from the reactor catastrophe, and left behind the signs of powerful magic.
Abraham and Spoon bring Zeud to Japan to investigate, and are dragged into a unfolding catastrophe at the hands of those responsible for the Fukushima incident. You see… they were trying to fix Japan’s scar with their magic, but in the process, unleashed something never before combined on Earth;
The power of magic, mixed with the power of the atom.
Time is short before what they have done will destroy far more than Japan, and it’s a race for the two Tapper agents, and the Dragon of Fire to stop them.
Can the dragon of fire fight a nuclear bomb?
Welcome back to our world, the new world, the world of the seven dragons. You can pre-order the Kindle version of Zeud here on Amazon. It releases on August 27th in all formats, with the audiobook version narrated by the talented Raphael Corkhill.
I’m stoked. I had a lot of fun writing this one. Fast paced, hectic, with a whole lot of WTF going on for our heroes.
-Chris
Adrian’s Undead Diary in German? Hell yeah it exists!
My German publisher, Papierverzierer Verlag has released up to the third book of the Adrian’s Undead Diary series in the German language. So far, reviews are stellar!
If you wanted to track down the eBooks for the AUD series, here are the links in the US store:
Dunkle Erinnerungen: Endzeit-Thriller (Adrians Tagebuch der Untoten 1) (German Edition of Dark Recollections)
Nicht alleine (Adrians Tagebuch der Untoten 2) (German Edition of Alone No More)
And the new release:
Mitternacht (Adrians Tagebuch der Untoten 3) (German Edition)
Here’s their blurb for book one:
Einem Zombie den Kopf abzuschlagen, ist alles andere als einfach in einer Welt, in der man mehr Angst vor den Lebenden als vor den Toten haben muss …
Das ruhige Leben von Adrian Ring ist abrupt zu Ende, als die Welt von einer Flut aus Untoten und einer Armee verzweifelter Überlebender überschwemmt wird. Während um Adrian der Wahnsinn tobt, zieht er sich in Auburn in eine Schule zurück und versucht Freunde und Verwandte auf dem Weg dorthin zu retten. In seinem nicht enden wollenden Überlebenskampf flieht er vor Wahnsinnigen und kann seine Katze Otis retten, muss aber seine eigene Mutter erschießen – alles in allem ein erfolgreicher Anfang.
DUNKLE ERINNERUNGEN bildet den ersten Teil von Adrians Geschichte, die nach “jenem Tag” spielt. In “Mr. Tagebuch” notiert er seine Gedanken über die Zeit seines Überlebens in einer dystopischen Welt, nachdem das unvorstellbare Böse das Land in eine scheinbar nicht enden wollende Finsternis getaucht hat. Der Auftakt von ADRIANS TAGEBUCH DER UNTOTEN erzählt die epische Geschichte eines Mannes in der Postapokalypse, in der er zuerst annimmt, unverschuldet in dieses Dilemma geraten zu sein, aber schnell herausfindet, dass alles aus einem bestimmten Grund passiert.
Danke!
-Chris
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #20 – Gareth Stevens
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#20 – Gareth Stevens, author, inspiring creator, dude from England.
Gareth and I met on Facebook. We both frequent a group therapy page about trauma related to being kicked out of birthday parties for eating too much cake. He and I realized we wrote in the same genres (he goes by GJ Stevens), and he did this interview thing on his site, and I agreed to do an interview for him. It was fun,
So fun, in fact, I decided I wanted to do something similar, and here we are, tables turned, and I’m interviewing HIM for MY SITE. So to you, Gareth, I say this; thanks. You inspired me to help promote my fellows, and have a good time too.
So I rolled dice for Gareth, and got the following numbers: 6, 4, 4, 8, 8, 3, 6, 5, 5, 2.
After he explained the metric system to me, we got down to it, and had this fantastic interview.
- What’s your favorite cold beverage and why?
Anything with alcohol in it. I’m not a big drinker, maybe once or twice a week. I can’t work (writing, marketing etc) once I’ve had a drink so I can enjoy the time out of that side of things without feeling the guilt.
MY MAN. I knew we were cut from the same alcohol soaked cloth.
- When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?
I would but I’m pretty much always in company. I need my full-time job until I make my first million from writing. I’m not sure it would go down too well in the office!
First million comes fast. At the rate I’m going I’ll have made my first million about two years after I’m dead and buried. Which is pretty quick, all things considered.
- Do you prefer movie theaters, or watching flicks at home?
I would like to say movie theaters because that’s the full experience and how it was designed to be viewed, but people annoy me by talking and opening packets of sweets so I’ll have to say home is the best all round.
lol. Packets of sweets. You’re SO not American, I love it. And I get ya. I love seeing cool movies in the theater, but I’m at the age when I’m just grumpy all the time, and I can’t afford to go to jail over someone eating their popcorn with their mouth open.
- What’s your Achilles heel? Lack of rest? Cheesecake? IBS?
I’m an obsessive. I think of an idea and I have to follow it up and it has to be done at break-neck speed. It’s kind of stressful, but it’s all self-induced. That said, I get such a high when I see the results. Plus anything sweet and full of fat, love all that stuff. Shame I have no willpower!
I get the seeing things through part. I start down the road on an idea and I HAVE to see it along for a god ways to check for viability, and to just clean the decks. Makes focusing on projects a challenge, as the work quantity goes to where the current obsession is.
- Overpopulation of the world is a big problem. We’re running out of food, water, oil, and other things like clean underwear. What can we do to sustain human life for longer?
I tell my kids they’ll be eating insects as part of every meal within twenty years. Unfortunately they are old enough to understand I’m right and not be grossed out any more. My day job is in conservation of water so this is kind of my field. Serious answer, we have to change our ‘throwaway’ way on life that perpetuates the developed world. Better answer, go commando.
In American, ‘going commando’ means to not wear underwear, which makes this answer real interesting.
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
I never want to grow up. I’m an immature forty year old idiot sometimes and it’s something I really like about myself.
Self awareness is such a cool trait in a writer. I dig it, and I love this answer.
- Overrated, underrated, whatever. What do you do to burn calories and maintain your rock hard abs?
I run three times a week. I have the body of a the ghostbusters stay puft man who has had some of the air let out. My Wife exercises just a little bit more than me but has the body of an athlete. Not sure how that works, but lucky me!
Fucking metabolisms, man. I have a friend who does nothing active, and eats Swedish Fish like seven meals a week, and is in tip-top shape. I eat Paleo, avoid sweets, and bust ass around the house all week long as well as take care of two kids and I have the body of a tardigrade, aside from being very destructible.
- What’s a guilty pleasure you have when it comes to books? Are you into the nasty, Dick Tingle erotica? Do you cozy up with a Lovecraftian flesh-shredder on a wintry day? What’s something you read your fans might not know about?
Animal porn. Anything in a field. Not really. Seriously, I was joking. I enjoy sci-fi and action and of course the tearing of flesh by the undead. I write what I like to read. Note, there is no animal porn in my books.
Yet… Gareth. Yet. And I suspect now, at some point soon it’ll factor into a story you’ll write. Why? It’s funny, and makes for a good black comedy moment when the undead are tearing the flesh from your characters.
- If you could automate a single task around your house with a robot, what would it be?
Cleaning my robots.
I… wait. What? You already have robots?
- What question do you wish interviews like this asked you?
Why do you write? May answer would be probably the same as most authors. I started writing for fun, but when I got great feedback, that became the opium. The nature of being human means I crave more, so I concentrate on writing and getting people to see my work.
Ahhh yes. Why is such a good question. How, what inspires you, blah blah, but the why is crucial. Great insight, my friend.
Gareth, thanks again for inspiring me to do these interviews, and thanks for returning the favor and joining my silly project.
GJ Stevens started writing fiction at the age of thirty. He describes his style of writing as popular fiction which usually has some sort of Sci-Fi, paranormal element. Even as a degree level engineer with a large family, a full time career in a serious profession with plenty of adult responsibilities, he’s always had an artistic and creative side. After years of self-suppression, the flood gates opened. His fast-paced zombie apocalypse novel, In The End, is the culmination of many years of finding time from nowhere to learn the craft. The follow up is due out later this year.
As a lover of the outdoors, every year he spends weekends out in the desolate countryside of the UK hiking and camping with his long-time friends which he uses as inspiration for both his creative fiction works, the subject of many a blog post and his new novella, Survivor. Survivor is a 144-page guide to creating a Bug Out Bag for an emergency situation forcing you from your home and features survival guides, short fiction and chapters from In The End.
In The End Link: mybook.to/InTheEnd
Survivor Link (Free): http://bit.ly/Survivor_Detail
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #19 – Shawn Chesser
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#19 – Shawn Chesser, author, left coaster, man with strong jawline.
(Shawn on the left, me on the right at Scares that Care in 2018)
Shawn and I have bumped elbows for years as fellow writers in the zompoc genre. We finally got to hang out a bit at last year’s Scares that Care weekend in Williamsburg Virginia, and I’m pleased to report he’s as nice in person as he pretends to be online. No really. Geniuinely cool dude. Super strong jawline. Like, male model good.
Anyway, Shawn jumped at the chance to get interviewed. (I think it might’ve been laundry day at the Chesser household.) So I rolled some dice, and we worked up this piece of art for your enjoyment.
Shawn’s random dice rolls were: 6, 7, 7, 5, 10, 10, 8, 1, 4, 10
Which led us to this:
- What’s your favorite cold beverage and why?
Definitely Diet Coke. My answer would be different if I hadn’t reached my beer limit in my mid thirties.
You… hit the beer limit? I was unaware anyone had ever pushed that hard to achieve anything. I once hit the ‘cake limit’ at a birthday party. I felt awful after eating that kid’s entire cake. I wonder what his name was? I didn’t get it after his dad threatened me off with a pitchfork and a torch.
- Do you have a writing mascot on your desk? Like, a My Little Pony figure your daughter gave you that sits there, judging you as you try and write? Or maybe yours is inspirational.
It’s a yarn creature that’s said to increase imagination and creativity. Picked it up in Astoria, Oregon many years ago.
It seems to work, so yarn that bad boy up. My little ‘watcher’ has disappeared since we got a new desk from the nearby library. I think Willow recaptured her My Little Pony figure, and probably has it somewhere I’ll step on it late at night. Good times.
- What was the first movie you saw in the theater, and what did you think?
First one I can remember that had a huge effect on me was Jaws. To this day I can’t go in the ocean without the niggling fear I’m about to be chomped in half.
You are at least the 2nd person to respond to this question with Jaws, and that’s not including my own terrifying fears this movie put into me. Spielberg made a masterpiece, methinks.
- Most awkward date moment you ever had. Go.
Took my wife on a first date to see Ghost. Theater was empty and in walk three very large ladies who proceed to sit directly in front of us. We moved. When they mirrored our move, we figured, erroneously, that we were being pranked by Totally Hidden Videos or some shit. True story. We’re still married twenty-six years later.
Dude, that’s really weird that they followed you. Any chance they were afraid of ghosts, and just wanted safety in numbers? Or maybe they were just trolling you long before it was a thing. Also, congrats on 26 years of marriage! That’s an amazing accomplishment, and not that awkward at all.
- Which would you rather do; have a nice cookout on a summer afternoon or dip your junk in the water?
Unless the water is crystal and Jaws free, I’d have to just cookout and work on my tan.
Crystal. Clear.
- Whose autograph would you be willing to have tattooed on your body, and where would you get it on your body?
Edgar Allan Poe’s. It’d have to be a full on Tupac-style belly tat in Olde English font.
I actually laughed out loud when I read this answers, so three points to you on the scorecard. Do you think Poe could write his autograph all old-timey like that on your tummy? Or do you think he’d be all creepy about it, and try to touch your nipples the whole time?
- Do you like to travel? What’s one of the coolest places you ever went, and are you allowed to return there after what you did. Shame. Shame on you.
We love to travel. Pearl Harbor was very memorable. They kicked us out after I tried to fire the Mighty Mo’s main guns.
Were you trying to load the main guns? No fun, these people. Although I’m sure it’s a somber place. I’ve never been able to get out to Hawaii (East Coasters have a tougher time for Hawaii) but I would *love* to get out there sometime. For now, I just get to go rub my balls on Plymouth Rock, or walk The Freedom Trail in Boston.
- If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?
More times than I care to count. Still, a dollar per won’t come close to covering the travel costs we’ll incur once we’re retired empty-nesters. My wife has a list a mile long.
I would love to see that list. Maybe you can make it out here to New England? Leah and I officially offer to put you guys up if you want to come to New Hampshire. It’ll be nice, as long as you can tolerate the two girls and their rambunctious natures. You already met them both, so you’re kinda aware of what they’re like.
- Video games rot your brain? True or false, and if you said false, what’s your favorite game to play?
False! I just finished getting my ass handed to me in Battlefield 5. Though I’m easy to kill, I really dig first person shooters.
When it comes to first person shooters, I’m obsessed with Borderlands. Nothing matches the same humor for me, and I love humor. I liked a lot of the stuff in that era though, but I tend to play RPGs a lot. I love me a good story.
- What’s something (a trope, let’s say) that comes up over and over again in your genre that drives you frigging mental that you wish you could change?
I’m real easy going. To each their own, I say. Truly grateful the genre I write in has such ravenous readers.
Amen to the ravenous readers. Wait, was that a pun about zompoc fans? GENIUS.
Shawn, as always, it’s a pleasure to gaze upon your jawline, and I look forward to hosting you and the wife on your New England trips!
Shawn Chesser resides in the Pacific Northwest with his wife and two children. He studied writing at Harvard on the Hill (PCC Sylvania) many years ago.
Shawn is a big fan of the apocalyptic horror genre. Stephen King, Cormac McCarthy, and George Romero are strong influences. Shawn has been a zombie fanatic for decades. He likes his creatures shambling, trudging, and moaning. As for fast, agile, screaming specimens . . . not so much.
When not writing, Shawn, a practicing father, spends the rest of his time doting on his children and doing whatever his wife says.
Learn more about Shawn here on his website.
Or check out his books on Amazon here.
10D010 Interview Challenge #18 – Adrienne Lecter
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#18 – Adrienne Lecter, author, rocket launcher fan, not an American at all, still really cool.
Adrienne is a fellow apocalyptic writer I met while searching the interwebz for an old fashioned pen pal. Turns out she thought I was looking to send money to her via PayPal, and it’s been awkward ever since. I did manage to peer pressure her into writing an interview for me between chapters of her newest work in progress, and I consider that an adequate pen pal relationship.
Adrienne’s dice rolls were: 8, 4, 9, 7, 3, 2, 5, 4, 4, 1
And that led us to this interview massacre:
- Coffee is the best of all beverages: prove me wrong or agree.
Agree – I even have it mentioned in the description of the first book in my zombie apocalypse Green Fields series, Incubation, and it plays a pivotal role in the book! Or at least for the main character. Just consider, heading into the zombie apocalypse without coffee. Is that a life worth fighting for?!
I think coffee should play a pivotal role in EVERY book. Seriously. How many of us are incapable of functioning on a daily basis without 3 or 4 pots of the stuff.
- When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?
Why else would I read them if I didn’t? And yes, I read that in Deadpool voice, because that’s how I roll.
Ahhh yes. Deadpool voice. Classic. And good on you for being honest about touching yourself. Between you and Armand last week, we’re on a masturbation kick. SELF LOVE FOR LIFE.
- Who’s your favorite actor and actress, and what are the best examples of their work? Bonus points if your answer isn’t Ben Affleck in Phantoms, despite him being the bomb, yo.
That’s almost impossible to answer so I’ll go with the nice, good-girl answer and say Sigourney Weaver, in Alien and Aliens. No explanation required.
And here we are… with our 2nd Sigourney Weaver mention in the challenge. I think that really speaks to the performance, and the character she created from that script. Such an absolute, magnificent character. I bet she drank the FUCK out of some coffee.
- Ever have a friend eat the leftovers out of your fridge? How did that make you feel? Where did you hide the body?
Yes. Very, very homicidal. I mean, sad. SAD. What body? Why do you ask? Didn’t you like the delicious stew?
I mean… it tasted like pork, so I went with it. Pass the salt, and for the record, the leftovers are all yours.
- Be honest: do you still splash in puddles? If you don’t… why the fuck not? What can you do to splash in more puddles? Because it’s FUN AS HELL.
YES! Get better puddle-splashing boots for maximum performance! Counts for cardio, if that helps motivate you… but who’d need that? It’s PUDDLES! I’m stealing this for my next book, just saying. No one ever adds the puddles.
NO ONE ADDS THE PUDDLES. Not sure why I’m yelling so much in this interview. Maybe it’s a deep and abiding connection I feel with you, my Austrian friend. Did I mention a chunk of my WIP takes place in Vienna? Too cool.
- What’s your current work in progress, and why is it taking so long to finish?
Now you sound like my readers. Are you one of my readers? Why the hell not? I only just started on the next book since my previous release is still high on its own supply, but I know, I’m such a slacker with my ten-book series.
I am unfortunately not one of your readers yet. I put you on my TBR, but at the rate I’m going with the two little ones, I won’t put a dent in that pile until one of them is in the college we can’t afford to pay for. Also, ten book series’ are no joke. That’s a lot of words.
- I love games. Do you enjoy playing games? Card games, board games, naked Twister, that kind of thing? What games do you like, or have played?
No, No, only on a second full moon in November, but I am a passionate video gamer. Give me things to kill, preferably with a rocket launcher. Quake 3 Team Arena all the way! Damn, I think I just dated myself… I also use gaming to get in the right headspace for book plotting. A lot of people have been killed over Skyrim and Diablo 3.
Whoa.. Quake 3? You’re not like, old, but old people don’t think you’re young anymore, do they?
- When you’re reading or listening to a book, do you like shorter chapters, or longer ones, and why. Frequent pee breaks needed, or do you have the bladder of a camel-god?
Don’t care—I have a kindle, a phone, and blue-tooth headphones. While that camel-god business does sound worth looking into, I like to take my reading and listening enjoyment everywhere with me. Every. Where.
Camel-god bladders really are the shit. Definitely take some time and include that with the puddles in an upcoming book. Totally worth it, trust me. Drink the kool aid. All praise HUMP!
- Video games rot your brain? True or false, and if you said false, what’s your favorite game to play?
You say that like “true” would be a bad thing? I’d be out of a genre to write if that was the case! I’m a passionate gamer so I’m obliged by the Guild of Passionate Gamers to insist it’s false, and pretty much everything with a rocket launcher. And sandbox games, because why wouldn’t you spend countless weekends sitting indoors, plucking virtual flowers, if you could just go out there and commit real-life herbicide?
I can’t even describe you the hours I’ve put into sandbox MMOs. I’ve harvested so many raw materials for crafting in a game world it’s not even funny.
- I get asked why I write in Genre X/Y all the time. That shit’s old as hell. So instead; what genre do you wish you wrote in, but haven’t yet, and why?
SciFi / Space Opera! It’s on my list but those pesky post-apocalyptic freaks keep demanding I write more zombie apocalypse books for them! Heathens! Really, I blame being raised on a steady diet of Star Wars and spending years playing Mass Effect. That has predestined me to one day write some space adventure series. But the world building takes time, as does the necessary research, and I went to school for molecular biology so everything virus is kind of my MO, and what were we talking about again? So my next big series will be about a spore-based zombie apocalypse caused by alien invasion, to inch a little closer to that far-away dream.
Spores are AWESOME story fodder. I debated using that in my series early on, but bailed on that as the cause for a spiritual basis. As for Mass Effect… oh hell yes. Hell. to. the. yes.
And we’re off! Thanks Adrienne!
Adrienne Lecter has a background in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology, loves ranting at inaccuracies in movies, and spends increasingly more time at the shooting range. She lives with the man and two cats of her life in Vienna, Austria, and is working on the next books in the Green Fields series. You can find out more on her website at http://adriennelecter.com
You can peruse her stories here on Amazon.
10D10 Interview Challenge #17 – Armand Rosamilia
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#17 – Armand Rosamilia, author, FloridaMan, podcaster, fan of minor league baseball.
The website here autosaves everything on a 30 second timer. Buuuut.., if the internet goes down, it stops backing up, and then if anything goes awry while I input into the page builder… it shits the bed. See where this is going yet? I had Armand’s post all done up, hit save, and kerplunk… right into the toilet it went.
So this is round two, and I’ll try not to mail it in, because Armand deserves better. After living in both New Jersey and Florida, the dude needs a solid.
Armand agreed to do this interview because he’s a bit of a gamer, and I mentioned 10D10. He swooned, popped a nerd-boner, and we were off.
Armand’s rolls were: 4, 10, 8, 4, 6, 4, 9, 1, 5, 1
And his interview went something like this…
- If you were giving food to a near and dear friend, what food would that be?
Anything but pizza or Chinese food, because those are mine. Oh, and no M&M’s because those are also mine. Pretty much all other food will be given to them, but never kale. That is reserved for my worst enemies.
You ever put M&M’s on pizza? I wonder if that’s any good… asking for a friend, clearly. Holler back at me if you tried that though. I’m tempted to give it a whirl here on our pizza stone.
- On a good day, what’s your writing goal before you give up, and throw a tantrum?
My goal is 1,096 words per day, which will give me 400k for the year. After about 357 words (I’ve done research) I begin to whine it’s too hard and I’m too tired and too hungry and… you get the point. Writing is likely the hardest job on the planet. Much more stressful than brain surgeon or those crazy bastards that climb on top of the bridges to clean the bird poop off.
Writing is fucking HARD, man. Imagine trying to clean, fresh, imaginative and original, and clean and fresh day after day without a break, or socialization, or pizza brought to you on the regular? Fucking atrocious working conditions behind this desk in my home office. What a trudge.
- Favorite film franchise, and why?
Since Beaches (starring Bette Midler) is not a franchise I’ll go with Swedish Erotica, which was a series of VHS porn movies in the 70’s and 80’s. I became a man thanks to those tapes. Should I have said The Lord of The Rings instead, for the younger readers? I watch the battle scenes over and over in those. Just amazing.
Do you remember the battle scenes in Swedish Erotica though? They took large scale engagements to a HOLE OTHER LEVEL…
See what I did there? Hole other level? Yeah? Maybe?
- Everyone farts, even people who say they don’t. So when you fart, do you take ownership over that fart, or do you pass it off on someone or something else?
My passing of the gas is usually very loud since I eat a lot of pizza and Chinese food. I not only enjoy owning it but acting like I did when I was five and ripped a good one. For some reason my wife doesn’t find it amusing.
Farts have always, and will always be funny, regardless of the opinions of those with dainty noses. Your wife is awesome, but come on, man. Work on her. Give her a few silly toots in awkward situations to get her sold on the comedy gold that is flatulence. Also, go hard on the Lo Mein. That shit is like a digestive foghorn for me.
- Is time travel possible? Or likely? If you could travel through time, what’s one thing you’d want to do? Killing Hitler is a given, so let’s get personal and/or interesting.
I have thought about this. I would go back to 1909 and buy packs of cigarettes, even though I don’t smoke. Why? The T206 Honus Wagner baseball card in some of the packs. Only 50-200 were ever produced before the card was pulled, and the cards go for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’d buy all of them and then release them slowly as I needed another few hundred thousand dollars for pizza or Chinese food. I’d also try to bang a lot of women in the 1900’s because they had nothing else to do back then.
Well then. What a bizarre and inventive way to attempt to get modesty wealthy using time travel. Why not like, invest a few hundred dollars in Sears and Roebuck before they became dumb and useless and sit back and collect Honus Wagner cards and STDS from the 1920s? I mean, I guess you could just spend money on packs of butts too…
- When you’re dead and buried, and the tabloids have stopped writing about the bizarre way you met your end, what would you like them to say about how you lived your life? Bonus points if you can envision how you kicked the bucket.
I already know it will be a bizarre gardening accident (bonus points if you get the reference) but I hope they talk about my perfect physical appearance and nothing else. My books don’t matter and how nicely I treated people, blah blah blah. It’s all about this gorgeous face and chiseled body that will be my lasting legacy. Plus, having the twenty-eight foot bronze statue of me, naked while holding a pair of scissors and a cow bell for no reason, in front of South of The Border will be impressive as well.
Out of curiosity, how low would the balls on your statue hang in front of the restaurant? Low enough that the hostess would have a dish of guac or salsa on the podium for people to grab a scoop of to slap on the lower curved surface of your marble scrotum as they left? Also, why 28 feet? Why not go the full Monty and hit 30? You’re a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in noodles, Armand.
- Writers work hard; it takes months to write a book, and more to edit it, and get it ready for public consumption. What’s something else you’ve invested a lot of time into, that’s not your collection of empty Twinkie wrappers?
Actually, I hate Twinkies. I know… that’s weird to admit in public. But I do. I like everything covered in chocolate. A Twinkie is not. Even the chocolate-covered Twinkies are gross to me. I’ve invested a lot of time in collecting Funko Pops and Boston Red Sox baseball cards. Also, this self-love thing I started in my early teens has taken up way too much of my time. Way too much.
I won’t judge you on the Twinkies thing, but I’m pretty sure your line about self-love is really just an underhanded pitch for Lubriderm. Now there’s a stock you could invest in circa 1909. Your self-love period would make you rich.
- If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?
Seven. I keep count on a legal pad I carry with me at all times, specifically so I can keep track of that question. Now, if I had a dollar for every time a woman said to her husband ‘why can’t you be half the man Armand is?’ I’d be rich.
I wish I was half the man you were. Based on mass alone, I think I am.
- If you could automate a single task around your house with a robot, what would it be?
Doing the laundry and putting it away, since that is one of the tasks I have on my plate. Even with my kids all out of the house for the most part, my wife and I still generate a lot of laundry. And I hardly ever wear pants. The robot would wash and fold all the clothes and save me many hours each day. Oh, can it make me coffee, too? That’s a lot of time as well.
I think you’re the first person to get this question that didn’t answer dishes. I agree with you though. I do a lot of laundry in my house, and FUCK THAT NOISE. Two kids, a wife, and myself make like 6 loads of dirty laundry a day, and trust me, the two kids and me don’t just make ‘mildly dirty’ laundry. All the farting leads to sharting and that can’t sit in a hamper for long before the police come for a welfare check.
- I get asked why I write in Genre X/Y all the time. That shit’s old as hell. So instead; what genre do you wish you wrote in, but haven’t yet, and why?
Yeah, I now say I write crime fiction and horror. When I used to just say horror I’d see eyes glaze over like I was a monster. That has nothing to do with it. I have several ideas for a steampunk pirate series in my head, which will never sell and is such a small niche of readers… but it would be something fun to write. Right?
It would be fun to write! Hopefully you can have a banner sale off a regular release that’ll buy you time to speculate on something fun like that. I’m rooting for you, and your weird pirate story!
Thank you for the interview! I had fun. Not a lot of fun, but it was better than actually working today. Now I am off to get Chinese food pizza.
I think you wrote at least 1,096 words before bailing on it, so kudos to you, Florida Man!
Armand Rosamilia is a really sexy, handsome and downright gorgeous man who transcends all time and space with his good-looks, wit and perfect body. He’s also very, very humble. Oh, and he writes crime thrillers (like his award-winning Dirty Deeds series) as well as horror (like his Dying Days zombie series) and anything else he feels like writing. He’s been at it for over thirty years, although the last six have been as a full-time author… so he rarely wears pants anymore. He not only has two podcasts, Arm Cast Podcast and The Mando Method Podcast (with co-host Chuck Buda) but he runs Project Entertainment Network, where they are on with eighteen other amazing podcasts. You can find him all over social media, especially on Twitter (@ArmandAuthor) or at a book signing near you. But probably not that close if you don’t live near Jacksonville Florida.
Check out Armand’s books here on Amazon.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #16 – Jeff Strand
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#16 – Jeff Strand, author, bigfoot aficionado, jaded porn critic.
Jeff’s one of those kinds of guys that you see online, being all witty, and smart, and funny, and you think to yourself; Jesus I hate people that talented. So you decide to stalk him a little bit, turn up the heat, make him sweat a little bit, maybe read one or two of his books and see what makes him tick, and then you realize; whoa, Nelly. This guy has issues, better pump the brakes.
SO yeah, that’s Jeff, in a nutshell. Jeff’s a successful horror and YA author who uses all 26 letters of the alphabet repeatedly to work his magic.
I rolled some dice to make an interview for him, and he got the following: 6, 10, 4, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 4, 10
Jeff answered my email using smoke signals, and here is his interview, in its entirety.
- What’s your favorite cold beverage and why?
Probably raspberry Snapple iced tea. Because it’s delicious and made from the best stuff on earth! Also “Snapple” is fun to say. Snapple Snapple Snapple. Say it with me!
Snapple is the bomb, yo. Like Ben Affleck in Phantoms. Snapple blew up when I was in High School, and everyone, everywhere was downing the stuff like schnapps at a weekend party. That and Fruitopia.
- On a good day, what’s your writing goal before you give up and throw a tantrum?
It depends how close I am to the deadline. If the deadline is far away, my goal is 3 words and some funny social media posts. If the deadline is tomorrow, my goal is 25,000 words.
Ah, I see. Moving the goal posts based on desperation. I too, have done that, and am doing that right now. I’ll sleep after I get the manuscript done. Maybe. Or when my kids start sleeping like people should.
- Do you prefer movie theaters, or watching flicks at home?
Despite the fact that people in the audience won’t STFU during the movie, I always prefer to see stuff in the theater. I don’t watch movies at home very often.
Theaters are great, but I’m an elitist. I only want to see movies in the assigned-seating, mechanical recliner chairs in this one theater. Anything else and I bitch like those old critics on The Muppet Show, regardless of the movie.
- A fan has reached out to you, offering to buy you a cool gift. What would you tell them to buy you, and why is it Lego sets?
In my day, we didn’t have Star Wars Legos or Guardians of the Galaxy Legos or Hereditary Legos or any of that stuff. All I had was a great big bucket of Legos! I made everything from my imagination! And they sucked compared to the Star Wars kits! But they were cheaper! Not that I paid for my own Legos when I was eight! I don’t actually want any Legos! Your question is based on a false premise!
Hereditary Legos? Holy shit I’d be down for that in a heartbeat. Imagine a tree house set? Holy crap. And I had that bucket of Legos. It eventually broke apart and became a cardboard box of Legos, which sucked, because little pieces would always get stuck under the flaps on the bottom. #FirstWorldProblems False premise my ass, Strand. False premise my ass.
- You’re renting a car, and the one you want is gone. The rental agency offers you a choice: sports car, or SUV. Which do you take and why?
All I want is something that’s fuel efficient with plenty of trunk space.
For body storage. Smart.
- What’s something you’re saving up for?
A car accident. I can’t afford one right now, but I’m hoping that if I sock away a little money each month…
You’ll be able to afford that deductible. Clever man, learning how to save like that. BRB, gonna impulsively buy a case of Cool Ranch Doritos on Amazon.
- Writers work hard; it takes months to write a book, and more to edit it, and get it ready for public consumption. What’s something else you’ve invested a lot of time into, that’s not your collection of empty Twinkie wrappers?
I’ve been married for almost twenty-two years, so I think “my marriage” is a pretty good answer.
That’s a great marriage, and a great investment of time! Congrats on tricking someone into liking you that long. I too one day hope someone will like me that long.
- What’s the best adaptation you ever saw of a book going to TV or movies? Easy answer is Winnie the Pooh, so get creative and support your answer with feeling.
My favorite book-to-movie adaptation is still MISERY. It’s one of my favorite Stephen King novels, but I think the movie actually improves on the source material. Kathy Bates is fantastic, of course, and the changes they made to keep it from being too gory (such as replacing the axe with a sledge hammer) were brilliant.
It is a sexy adaptation. I’m also a little shocked at how often my wife threatens to hit my ankles with a hammer, and I think it *might* have something to do with Kathy Bates.
- Video games rot your brain? True or false, and if you said false, what’s your favorite game to play?
False…but I don’t play them. I’d never write another book. I don’t have the self-control to say, “Well, I’ve been playing this fun video game for eight hours now; I suppose it’s time to shut it down.” Like an alcoholic who does not keep booze in the house, video games are forbidden in these parts. I play Words With Friends on my phone and that’s it.
Yeah video games are an issue for me. I am like, 50% sure an MMO was the cause for my divorce, with the other 50% being we were incompatible and she didn’t want kids. That being said… I don’t do MMOs ever, and I rarely play anything that’s not easy to walk away from. Ironically, I play a few games on my phone. (Dungeon Hunter Champions; if anyone wants my player referral code, you get a free tier one hero, and I get some freebies, just saying.)
- What’s something (a trope, let’s say) that comes up over and over again in your genre that drives you frigging mental that you wish you could change?
I’m not a fan of the car/bus/whatever that comes out of nowhere and smashes into somebody in a “shocking” moment. It was great the first time, which I’ll credit to FINAL DESTINATION though I may be wrong, but it’s usually easy to anticipate now and for me it no longer has any impact.
They did this in Black Summer on Netflix recently, and it got me. Totally didn’t see it coming. I’m either way on the event. It can be shocking, sure, but does it help the story, or does it exist to get teenagers to grab each other’s hands in the theater?
Well Jeff, it’s been swell, but now I gotta crawl back into the bush in your front yard. Take care!
Jeff Strand is the four-time Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of 40+ books, including Blister, A Bad Day For Voodoo, and Wolf Hunt. Cemetery Dance magazine said “No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand’s perfect mixture of comedy and terror.” He lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
His newest novel is Ferocious. Check it out here on Amazon.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #15 – R.L. Blalock
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#15 – R.L. Blalock, author, ammunition hater.
R. to the Izz-L Blalock is an author whom I admire. She has a three year old, and seems to still be getting things done, which is pretty much a miracle in my book. I am strongly considering bringing a glass of water to her and then asking her to work some miracle-ish magic on it, because we go through wine in this house like France. Water is optional.
Like all of the 10D10 challenge interviews, this one was generated by rolling ten, ten-sided dice, and consulting a pre-made table of 100 questions divided into ten sections. Each interview is unique, and all are quirky, and nonsensical, but fuck it, that’s fun.
The Blalock got some dice rolled. These are her numbers: 2, 4, 2, 1, 10, 4, 4, 1, 7, 10
Let’s BlaLOCK AND LOAD, and see how that went.
- What food makes you cringe, and want to throw up?
Anything stringy. Pineapple, mangos, asparagus, sweet potatoes. I love the taste of these. (Except, asparagus. That stuff is just gross.) But I can’t stand the texture. Just thinking about it makes me want to gag.
Texture is a huge thing for some people. Some hate crunchy, or mushy, or sauces, or stringy… I love it all. I’ll eat anything. No regrets.
- When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?
When checking my reviews, I’m usually so anxious that I’m about to throw up. Touching myself is the furthest thing from my mind. When I read a good review, I’m usually so full of nervous energy I have to go clean something to burn it off.
I clean when I’m pissed, or nervous too. Not sure why, but it isn’t the worst coping skill to have. And don’t sweat the bad reviews. You can be the best writer in the world and eventually–sooner or later–your best book will fall into the hands of a vengeful moron who missed the plot, or something. Then you can always resort to murder.
- What’s your favorite recent action movie that isn’t John Wick?
I was a big fan of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. I mean, you can’t really go wrong with dinosaurs. I freakin’ loved the ending. There is just so many possible directions to go. My fingers are crossed for some kind of post-apocalyptic Jurassic World movie in the timeline.
Haven’t seen that one yet. I’m jealous. Can I quickly say how surprised I am at how often dinosaurs keep coming up in these interviews?
- Do you have a spouse? Why do they tolerate you writing? What is it about you that makes you so damn awesome to them? (Ask them, don’t just make the answer up)
I am married. My husband, Craig. He has actually been really supportive of my writing. He helps out however he can to make sure I have more time for my writing. He’ll sit and listen while I ramble on for hours about the worlds and people that only exist in my mind. He makes it possible with his support. Here’s his answer: She’s awesome because she has this passion that I’ve never seen somebody possess for something. She doesn’t want to write a book, she wants to build worlds, universes. The crazy look she gets when she suddenly comes up with an idea to add to her story is both exciting….and terrifying. The look she gets is the same look I’ve seen mad scientists get when their creation comes to life. She’s the smartest, yet scariest person I’ve ever met in my life.
Ahh yes. The mad scientist look. Also known as the ‘restraining order is on the way,’ look. Good times. It’s so important to have someone supporting our creativity! Spouses are the deal-breaker when you’re putting your imagination and heart out there for the public. Need that love.
- Which would you rather do; have a nice cookout on a summer afternoon or dip your junk in the water?
Well, as I don’t have junk to dip, I guess I have to pick the cook out. Though to be far I do love a nice home grilled cheeseburger. Mmmmmm. That actually sounds really good right now. Maybe while still around a bon fire…
Everyone has junk. Or… maybe you don’t have junk. No judgment either way. And I’ll brb, making a cheeseburger.
- When you’re dead and buried, and the tabloids have stopped writing about the bizarre way you met your end, what would you like them to say about how you lived your life? Bonus points if you can envision how you kicked the bucket.
Well, if I’m being really honest with myself, if I’m going out some crazy/stupid way, it’s probably because I tried to pet an animal I shouldn’t have. I mean I love animals. Their so cute and doofy! I’ll see a wolf while I’m camping and try to pet the puppy and end up getting my face ripped off. But what I hope people will say about me when I die is that I was kind. That I made them happy whenever they saw me. That I brightened their day with little gestures that they are going to miss. I think that would be the best way to be remembered.
I think anyone who is willing to die to pet a wild animal immediately defaults to ‘was really kind’ in the obituary section. Have you ever wanted to pet a hippo? Don’t! Those fuckers are terrifying. They’ll eat your kind face right the hell off.
- You’re all alone for a quiet evening… After you watch some… television, what do you settle in to do?
As big of a nerd as this makes me, I’ll settle in to read. Or maybe play some video games. OR both (audiobooks are wonderful for multitasking). I have way too damn many books to read. There is never enough time so a relaxing night means reading and lying to myself that my TBR pile is getting smaller.
I remember when I used to think my TBR pile would get smaller. Oh such a summer child I was then. Currently I’m using my TBR pile to insulate the garage.
- If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?
I don’t even remember. But honestly, I don’t mind either. I love talking about books. A lot of the time I’ll give different answers to different people. There are just too many good books to have one favorite. So depending on who I’m talking to will depend on which favorite I tell them. My current favorite zombie book is They Rot by Daniel Willcocks and Luke Kondor. My favorite has been different in the past and will probably change again in the not too distant future though.
Ooh, I haven’t heard that book yet, and the title is great. I’m pretty over talking about books. I do it all day working, and on social media, so when people meet me in person, I’d much rather talk about herpes, or something like movies.
- If you were to find a genie that granted wishes in a lamp, what would your three wishes be? And don’t be lame, and wish for more wishes. Let’s talk quality over quantity.
Oh, man. Genies are tricky. You really have to be careful what you wish for. 1. I have to go with the standard world peace. I wish every nation found a way to get along with one and other. No more war. No more hatred. Just everyone living their lives in peace. (At this point, the genie would probably cause nuclear annihilation of the world. Nobody would be fighting each other if they are too busy trying to survive.) 2. A never-ending supply of money. I’d love to be able to take care of my mom. Do really nice things for my friends and family. Leave a giant tip for a waitress I really liked. (At this point, my bank account will never be empty do to a bank error and I’ll get arrested for fraud.) 3. Hm, last wish. This one is going to be just for me. I want to talk to animals. I’ll love to be able to talk to my dogs. Or the mama duck that lives in one of our bushes. (From this moment on animals will always screech at me. Their thoughts constantly intruding on my mind. Never leaving me a moment of silence. Eventually, I’ll be driven mad by the endless yammering and lack of sleep.)
I see we have a paranoid genie skeptic… Probably a reasonable fear, given how capricious they’re given to be, based on legends. I dig your wishes though. They’re reasonable and solid, and help both you and others. A+.
- What’s something (a trope, let’s say) that comes up over and over again in your genre that drives you frigging mental that you wish you could change?
An endless supply of ammo. Are you seriously telling me that any place with a significant amount of ammo wouldn’t blow through it in the first few weeks. Or become so jammed up with zombies that you couldn’t even look that direction without bringing the horde down on your head. There just never seems to be any worry about ammo running out. That would be a huge priority in the zombie apocalypse. Right up there with food and shelter. But honestly, I wouldn’t say this drives me crazy. I’m a sucker for a good action scene. The bigger, the bloodier, the better. Usually, after a good fight scene, I’ll forget all about what was bothering me.
I love this ten times over. As a dude who pays his bills writing mostly zompoc, the ammo issues is crazy. Like… how do you clean your guns after firing them a thousand times too? And where did you get your ammo so ‘nick of timely?’ I guess there’s a huge subset of zompoc readers who are really into the prepper/gun porn stories, and want their heroes to be ready, and heavily armed, and they never want those people to pull a trigger and have it not go ‘bang!’
Thanks so much R.L.!
R.L. Blalock’s love of reading started young. As a child, her father would read stories to her before bed every night. In middle school, she and her best friend bonded over books and writing. Her love of zombies, though, started later in life. In 2008, when R. L. Blalock first watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead, she instantly fell in love with the genre.
Born and raised in Sacramento, California, R. L. Blalock now lives in St. Louis, Missouri with her loving husband and precocious three-year-old daughter. Their family also includes three pets: Memphis, a Pitbull/German shepherd mix who prefers to spend his days cuddling; Dixie, a Pitbull/Akita mix who greets everyone with excited squeals and enough kisses to last a lifetime: and Pazuzu, the Green-Cheeked Conure who thinks she’s a dog.
During what precious little free time she has, R. L. Blalock like to read whatever dark and twisted book she can get her hands on or scare herself silly with the same nightmarish kinds of video games.
You can check out her books here on Amazon.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #14 – Javan Bonds
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#14 – Javan Bonds, author, wiseass, monkey collector.
Javan seems pleasant. I haven’t actually met him in person due to some pesky restraining orders that are still lingering, but I’m hoping another few weeks will get him to change his mind about pressing charges. I can say that based on what I’ve seen through his windows he’s a real good dude, and should probably clean under his bed. WAAAY too many dust bunnies.
I rolled some dice for this cat, and got the following digits: 8, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 9, 7, 9, 7
Fun was had. Here’s the proof:
- Coffee is the best of all beverages: prove me wrong or agree.
I am 100% with you. I drink black coffee as dark as you can get it. And I’ve recently decided to go completely decaf on everything. The coffee is now nothing but basically burned, dirty water. Since my only other beverage is water, that means I can drink the stuff all day, every day.
Wait… why decaf? Who makes that choice? I mean… why brew anything at all? Just go out in your yard and scoop up some puddle water and drink that. At least you’d be getting trace protein from bacteria and shit. I weep for your lack of caffienation.
- Plotter, or pantser, and why?
It might take some people a minute to figure out what the hell you’re talking about. I had to read that twice just to make sure you weren’t talking about some famous authors I’ve never heard of. But to answer, I don’t plot my story, I am a pantser. I write by the seat of my pants. Since I started writing Zombie Lake, now at least seven books into the Still Alive Series, I have never been able to plan ahead. Well, I guess I do to a point. I have a general idea of where I want to go, but getting there usually surprises me just as much at the reader.
I want people to take a minute to figure stuff out. Challenge them. Much like how challenging it is to write a book. And, for the record, this is a good way to explain why being a pantser works for so many. I’m a capri-er. Not quite pants, not quite shorts… Wait. I mean. I plan a little. Nevermind.
- What pulls you out of a movie or book most? Bad dialogue? Bad Special effects? What? WHAT I DEMAND TO KNOW?!
Being legally blind, I haven’t seen a movie in a long time, about 9 years. But I would have to say I always hated those movies that try to be epic, whether with dialogue or crazy special-effects, and are still steaming piles of shit. It makes you want to scream. “You’re not Star Wars. Cut the bullshit!”
Ahhh here we are. Legally blind. I bet this plays into the whole decaf thing. I bet you were tricked or some shit. You couldn’t make that choice intentionally. I’ll be sorting that out for years.
- What’s the secret to playing Monopoly with a loved one, and retaining that relationship after all the rent is paid?
There is really not one. Especially when you find out after the game is over that the person cheated you out of some of that rent. It’s hard to believe your mother when she tells you she loves you when she owes you an extra $13 for the rent at Park Place. Even worse is trying to look your brother in the eye and not remember he bankrupted you for the hotel stay at Marvin Gardens.
Man… my mom was a savage bitch when it came to Monopoly. I remember once, she bought Park Place early in a game and bled my dad and I dry while cackling and throwing her colorful money around like Scrooge McDuck. Hard to hear “I love you,” after that. I feel ya. I feel ya.
- Be honest: do you still splash in puddles? If you don’t… why the fuck not? What can you do to splash in more puddles? Because it’s FUN AS HELL.
I’m in a wheelchair so I typically avoid puddles. If there are puddles, there is usually rain so it’s going to be wet anyway. Pushing the wheels, my hands are probably going to be sopping wet. I would just rather not be dirty on top of that. Wait. Wet and dirty? I take that back. It all depends on the company.
Blind AND in a wheelchair? You’re a goddamn super hero that you still write good books. SO fucking cool. Also, wet and dirty can be a good thing, but it looks like you wandered onto that conclusion all on your own. Kudos.
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
Even before I first saw Jurassic Park, I always wanted to be an archaeologist. I would be the first to uncover a new type of dinosaur bones. Can anyone picture the Javanosaurus Rex? It would be badass!
That does seem like a badass job. Discovering ancient history? Bringing it into the present? That’s basically time travel. Also, Javanosaurus would be a badass name for a dinosaur. I’ll start the petition online.
- Writers work hard; it takes months to write a book, and more to edit it, and get it ready for public consumption. What’s something else you’ve invested a lot of time into, that’s not your collection of empty Twinkie wrappers?
I’ve never been much of a Hostess man. Little Debbie has always been the snack cake choice of my life. Absolutely nothing to those wrappers, so there’s no point in collecting them. But, as a child, my cousin and I devoured hundreds of dollars of miniature Reese’s Cups at our grandmother’s house. We would take that piece of black paper around each candy and just throw it away. Secretly, we stored the aluminum foil wrappings around each one and put them all to gather to create a sphere at least the size of a basketball. Our creations were epic!
Oh. To answer your other question… It’s really hard to think of anything worth mentioning as grand as the giant Reese’s cup ball. If I’m not writing and promoting, I’m not doing much else.
Reese’s… oh Reese’s. I have a deep and abiding infatuation with that candy. I can’t even fathom how big my sphere could be. Hundreds and hundreds of those little bastards are in my ass as fat right now.
- Of everything you’ve ever read (not TV or movies) what hero, or heroine made your heart soar with badassery or love?
Because I’m a Tufonian, I would have to say Michael Talbot. It’s amazing how that guy can go through all the shit he deals with all the time and still have something of a positive outlook.
It’s all the weed Mark Tufo smokes that makes Talbot so cool and popular. Just saying.
- Which is your favorite Winnie The Pooh Bear character, Pooh, Piglet, or Tigger? Don’t try to tell me you didn’t watch Pooh Bear as a child. You probably still do!
I do like honey, but I’m allergic to pork. You’ll find that out in the fourth book in my series, Zombie Oasis. Really though, I would have to say I most relate with Eeyore. He such a happy-go-lucky guy and nothing but good happens to him! I have almost as many friends as he does.
Jesus, allergic to pork? Can you eat bacon? Is that considered pork still? Fuck starting an online petition, I’m going straight o GoFundMe to start a ‘Heal Javan from his bacon curse,’ fundraiser. This is worse than that time I dropped a cake. I didn’t have cake for a whole ten minutes!
- Someone walks up to you at a book signing and says this: “I found ten typos in your book. Can I have your email so I can send you an edited version of your manuscript so you can fix them?” What do you say to them, and how do you hide your unbridled fury?
Fury? It would make me happy as hell if someone was willing to make me look like less of an idiot for free. And by the way, any typos in my books can be blamed on Dragon NaturallySpeaking. I don’t make such grievous errors. I would take this person to another room. “You’re willing to do this for free? Holy shit. My email is zombie@javanbonds.com
Now that’s turning a frown upside down. I guess that’s how someone takes a bad situation and turns it into an opportunity. Great attitude about being shit all over by a know-it-all douche canoe!
You’re a hero, Javan, and thanks for stopping in today!
Javan Bonds is the Amazon Best Selling author of the Zompoc series, Still Alive. This series includes Book One: Zombie Lake, Book Two: Zombie Island, Book Three: Zombies On A Plane, Book Four: Zombie Oasis, and Book Five: Zombie River Run. Upcoming books in the series yet to be released include Zombie Paradise Lost, Zombie Insurrection, Zombie Deliverance, Zombie Tide, Zombie Bay, and Zombie Gulf … just to name a few.
The Still Alive series follows a group of survivors in small-town Alabama trying to keep their wits about them… making a new life in a world overrun by naked, blue-skinned, yellow-eyed, nocturnal zombies that spew vile shit everywhere. Also, these former humans attempt to devour every last morsel of flesh on any uninfected as they become increasingly more intelligent and sadistic. Fun times! Think WW-Z, Zombieland, and Shaun Of The Dead, only better.
Bonds has had to overcome numerous obstacles in writing, as well as to live his daily life. Diagnosed at the age of eleven with Friedrich’s Ataxia (FA), (a progressively degenerative neuromuscular disease under the umbrella of Muscular Dystrophy ), FA has slowly robbed him of his physical abilities through the years. Bonds started using a wheelchair in 1999, but that was only the beginning of his setbacks. In 2010, his sight started diminishing, to the point he is now legally blind. Now, because of his deteriorating hearing, he can’t pick up individual voices in a noisy room.
In spite of all of this, he continues to work tirelessly… seven days a week on his writing. Bonds, never letting his disability rule him, has lived, loved, and laughed often. Reading and writing have long provided Bonds with both pleasure and a creative outlet. At a very young age, he began blogging and has written articles and letters for local newspapers. In 2010, he discovered a passion for writing novels. With the help of Nuance’s Dragon Naturally Speaking, he continues to write every day.
In late 2015, at only 28 years old, Bonds was told he might have only a short time left, due to the ravages of FA on his heart. After learning that, he has been hard at work to complete his other novels and have them finished before his time in this world runs out. In mid-2016, Bonds published his first novel, FREE STATE OF DODGE, the first book in a dystopian series about America in decline and its rebirth.
Bonds hopes you enjoy the Still Alive series, with its humor, pop culture references, and excessive zombie killing action. Oh, and there is a pirate ship too. Planning to write many more installments in his Still Alive series, he is revisiting Free State of Dodge, working to complete a saga sometime in the near future… as well as releasing Audible versions of most of his current works.
Javan has these words of wisdom to offer for others stricken by a life-shortening illness. “Live your life. Light your candle on both ends and let it burn. It may go out faster, but it will be brighter than some who live much longer.” Keep an eye on his flame. Watch it burn!
Zombie Lake: goo.gl/aBDNeh
Zombie Island: goo.gl/m74nwX
Zombies on a Plane: goo.gl/Eni1Au
Zombie Oasis: goo.gl/uTS8Sp
Zombie River Run: goo.gl/qht19N
STILL ALIVE SERIES: goo.gl/eFBqvh
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #13 – Veronica Smith
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#13 – Veronica Smith, author, and pie bingo enthusiast.
(wtf is pie bingo?)
Veronica was a fan, back in the day. I’m told it was a Wednesday by Dane Cook.
She’s awesome. We met at a meet and greet in Houston back in 2015 or so, and hit it off. Likable, funny, could juggle chainsaws, and was an aspiring writer too. Once she put the chainsaws down that day, and started putting words on paper, I could see that one day she too would write things that made people uncomfortable, and that’s something I could really latch on to.
So here we are, a few years and a few books written later, and I’m rolling dice to generate weird questions for her, and her pie-bingo obsessed ass. Her dice rolls were: , 4, 7, 8, 2, 10, 9, 7, 6, 8
And here’s how it all went down:
- What’s your favorite food?
Dark chocolate as far as sweet stuff goes; the darker the better. For regular food, I love a good fried chicken – dark meat – thighs or drumsticks only please. Despite living in Texas, I can’t seem to find really good fried chicken. We had a soul food place out here several years ago and it was the best ever. Then they closed down (never found out why) and all other fried chickens pale in comparison.
Dude. Dude. Dark chocolate is the ONLY chocolate, as far as I’m concerned. Also, my mom made amazing fried chicken growing up, and now I’m spoiled, nothing has ever compared.
2. When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?
Of course! And also when I think of you! I do get giddy still when I read a really good review. So of course when I get a really bad one, I just mentally give them the finger (just kidding). A guy at my office read one of my books and now he’s telling everyone there’s a published writer in the building. I haven’t yet seen my sale skyrocket though.
Awww, shucks. I touch myself when I think of me too! I remember coworkers. I almost miss them. Then I think of Karen microwaving her tuna-pea-wiggle casserole on Monday and fucking up the break room for an entire week and realize I don’t actually miss them. Congrats on the good reviews. You deserve it.
3. What was the first movie you saw in the theater, and what did you think?
Oh my god! Do you realize how old I am? I can’t remember that far back! Let’s see Star Wars came out when I was 12. I was 10 when I saw Jaws. I know I’m rambling, don’t bother me, I’m trying to remember. Blazing Saddles when I was 9. Mom and Dad really had no clue what that one was about until we were in the theater. Oh yeah, now I remember. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I was about 6 then. The original one with Gene Wilder, not that Johnny Depp crap.
I would never talk about a lady’s age in her presence for fear of being bitten. I hear at your age you can actually bite two to three people a week and people will still think you’re just ‘eccentric.’ That being said… Jaws. Yeah. That movie DAMAGED ME. I can’t swim in the ocean still unless I can see all the way to the bottom. Just can’t. Won’t. Also, while we’re talking about being damaged, the old Willa Wonka fucking boat scene left some scars too.
- What’s your Achilles heel? Lack of rest? Cheesecake? IBS?
IBS? Holy cow, how did you know? But you know the toilet is a really good place to come up with ideas for stories though. There, in the shower (usually while my head is covered in shampoo – go figure), and on my long commute home from work. I carry a voice recorder so I can blurt out the good stuff before it leaves my head in a cloud of road rage. But seriously, I can’t get any writing done once my husband gets home. When he gets home all he really wants to do is watch shows that we store up in the DVR. I like to watch them too, just not 3 or 4 in one night.
I’m confused… is your Achilles heel diarrhea, or too much good television to watch?
You know what… I don’t need that clarified. Moving on….
- When someone says, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,” what’s your response?
I hate both heat and humidity but dammit, the more humid it is, the more miserable it is. I’m torn though. I hate the humidity but I can’t live without it. We live in Katy (just west of Houston) by the Gulf Coast so it’s always humid here. We visited family once in Lubbock (way north Texas – no humidity – in fact dry enough to peel your skin – so dry there were tumbleweeds rolling on the runway when we landed). I went through an entire bottle of lotion in the 3 days we were there. My hair stuck up with static and everything I touched shocked the hell out of me. I can’t stand it that dry. So as bad as the humidity is, I’ll take it any day. I like my skin and want to keep it.
Only someone from the Houston area would actually make the case for humidity being a good thing. Y’all are fucking weird, Veronica. You can keep your humidity. Well, anything above 60%. I don’t like it too dry. Gives me bloody noses at night.
- Whose autograph would you be willing to have tattooed on your body, and where would you get it on your body?
If you ask my husband this, he’ll know exactly which two (yes I have two choices). Shemar Moore (from SWAT and Criminal Minds) and Keanu Reeves. As to where on my body? Well hell, anywhere they want!!!!!! As long as they write slowly and clearly. You know, just so you can read it. I’d have to make sure to schedule touch ups every couple of months…
Wait… did you just make this sexual? Veronica. I’d say I’m ashamed but I’d probably do the same thing if given the chance. Shemar and Keanu are good looking men.
- Writers work hard; it takes months to write a book, and more to edit it, and get it ready for public consumption. What’s something else you’ve invested a lot of time into, that’s not your collection of empty Twinkie wrappers?
Twinkies suck! They are dry as hell. Now Swiss Cake Rolls are the bomb; those and Ding Dongs. I eat all the chocolate off the outside first, then unroll it and eat it as I go. Ooh, the best are the chocolate raspberry Gansitos. I guess the only other thing besides my marriage (does that count – LOL), would be my job. I started out back in 1988 as a receptionist who didn’t even know how to use a PC hardly. They taught me everything I know and know I do 2D and 3D computer drafting for an engineering company; the same people that hired and trained me incidentally.
What the hell is a Gansitos? I’ll have to Google it, for research purposes. They sell them on Amazon? Yep, they sure do.
- Of everything you’ve ever read (not TV or movies) what hero, or heroine made your heart soar with badassery or love?
Ripley in Aliens. “Get away from her you bitch!” Could there ever be a better line in a movie? I even loved Alien 3, even though everyone else seems to hate it. I’ve heard they have another Alien movie coming out that she’ll be in. I got the chance to meet Sigourney Weaver a couple years ago when she came to Houston for Comicpalooza. The autograph alone was $125 and that’s just more than I’ll pay for anyone. Except for George Romero, I would’ve spent that much, but he only charged $50. Overcharge much Sigourney?
Ripley in Aliens is the straight up muhfukkin BOSS. I credit her with my love for females who take zero shit, and get all the shit done regardless of whatever is going on. No quit in that character and I love it. And I own a George Romero autograph. I think I paid $20 for him to sign my copy of Day of the Dead. Worth it. Sigourney… not so much.
- What’s more terrifying; a future where there are robots all over the place, doing human work, or a future where humans have to do everything?
The robot future of course. As soon as you relinquish all control over to them, we become useless. People want everything too easy now. I worked hard my entire life and I don’t plan to sit on my butt while they make the world go ‘round. Unless they are here to clean my house. Yeah, they can clean my whole house first.
If I take anything away from all these interviews, its that we all hate doing housework. All of us.
- Conventions: Awesome experiences, or plagues upon humanity? What’s something good and bad about them?
I love conventions. And not just because I sell way more books there than on Amazon. I love seeing cosplayers and the funny stuff that happens around me. I keep my camera at my table and snap pictures of as many as I can. I try to do as many tables that I can afford. Sometimes they just don’t pan out though. I just did a paranormal con a couple weekends ago and only sold 5 books the entire weekend. There were more volunteers than actual paying guests there. It’s hit or miss but sometimes when you lose that bad, it makes you hesitant to try new things. But last fall I shared a booth with another author, Will Allen, at Katy Rice Festival for the first time (that damn festival had been going on for 50 years where I live and I never went once). I figured I’d give it a try. I sold more books that weekend than ever. And it was a blast. I was near the beer truck (beer and books – never go wrong!) and the giant screen TV was there too, so we got to watch the football games all weekend (beer, books, and football!). And the port-a-can was only a couple dozen steps away (that’s the most important part when you get to be my age). This year I’ll be doing 8 tables (cons, library events, and tables at local brewerys) and 2 that I’ve done were new and 2 others I plan to do are also new.
Will Allen is super nice. I met him at Scares that Care a few years ago and he was awesome. And always… ALWAYS be near the beer trucks, or the bathrooms. Guaranteed food traffic.
Veronica, thanks. You rock.
Veronica Smith is a lover of all things horror. Whether she’s reading, writing, or watching; that’s what you will find her doing when she isn’t at her day job. She treats everyday as if it was Halloween and hasn’t yet been fired for decorating her cubicle as if it’s a haunted house. She’s been writing since 2014, when her first short story, “A Very Zombie Christmas,” was published, and works on several projects simultaneously. Currently she is finalizing “Between The Pages – Chapter Three: Jamal” and she is working on several short stories. And rounding it off, she’s doing rewrites on her zombie post-apoc novel, “Salvation.” She lives in Katy with her husband of over thirty years. She’s usually found at local events, as well the pie shop feeding her weekly pie bingo addiction.
Connect with her on Facebook here. Or on her website.
Check out her new release here:
And here’s the blurb.
Jamal “JJ” Jackson beat the odds growing up in a rough Houston inner city neighborhood. He resisted drugs and gangs, earning straight A’s in school, and making his mother proud. Now that everyone appears to have turned into deranged killers, he finds himself with the lives of three young children in his hands. Inexperienced, in both fighting and child care, he vows to protect them in this dangerous new world.
Follow the Between the Pages Amazon series page here.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #12 – Chris Guhl
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#12 – Chris Guhl, author, and talking cornstalk
Chris Guhl is from Iowa, so take everything he says with a kernel of corn. He seems like a nice guy, but at any point, he could pop, and we’d need a ton of butter to get things back under control. Chris wrote a really cool YA sci-fi novel called NAEVIA-18, and he’s currently riding the wave of a $25 royalty check which he assures me he’s going to set aside 30% of for the IRS.
Chris is a good dude who helped me promote The Phone during its pre-order and launch period, and I like him for other reasons too. Please don’t ask what those reasons are, as I haven’t thought of them yet. Wait, he photographs well. Handsome fella.
I rolled some dice to get some questions for Chris. This is what I got: 1, 3, 7, 7, 10, 9, 6, 8, 5, 10
Here are his questions, and subsequent answers, and our banter.
- What’s your favorite food?
PIZZA! Large pepperoni from Pizza Pit in Ames, Iowa. Doesn’t get any better than that (unless you add inferno wings).
Do they put corn on that pepperoni pizza? I bet they do. And you’re right, pizza is always going to be top 3, no matter what. Now as for the wings… I can’t handle too much spicy anymore. Tears me up and gives me the ninja shits.
- Plotter, or pantser, and why?
Pantser for sure, though I’ve been trying lately to have some type of rough outline before I let my characters loose with the reins. They tend to get themselves into situations I can’t think them out of, so having a general idea of what needs to happen has helped.
It never ceases to amaze me how much characters change the stories they’re in. You can plan all you want, but when you’re executing the story in the moment, the characters change so often and in unexpected and better ways. Writing is such a trip.
- What was the first movie you saw in the theater, and what did you think?
I believe it was the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in 1990. Cowa-freakin-bunga, it was radical! Michelangelo still has the best backspin in history. I rewatched it the other day, and it’s still a classic.
That really is a classic. The original movie was such a watershed moment for pop culture and comics too. Changed a LOT of what we now enjoy for entertainment. You were lucky to have that be your first. Fun fact: I live near the city where the Ninja Turtles were first created! (Dover NH)
- Ever have a friend eat the leftovers out of your fridge? How did that make you feel? Where did you hide the body?
I plead the fifth. FIF!!! Though I will never forget that leftover steak I didn’t get to eat. NEVER.
FIF!! I will keep your secret. I will carry it to my early, pizza accelerated grave.
- Which would you rather do; have a nice cookout on a summer afternoon or dip your junk in the water?
Dipping my junk in the crappy pasta salad that someone brought to the cookout. NOBODY WANTS YOUR PASTA SALAD, LINDA! Give me a hot dog or a burger. In the end I’d prefer the pool/beach over stuffing my face, but can’t I have it all?
I suppose if you were to schedule some kind of cookout near a lake, or pond, you’d be golden. I guess you could do it near a pool, but then you’re either talking about being an elitist Richie Rich with the pool, or dealing with weirdoes swimming twenty feet from where you’re dipping your junk in Linda’s pasta salad.
Pros and cons all around.
- What’s something you’re saving up for?
A new computer, so I don’t have to write my stories using this ancient relic from 2011. I wrote most of Naevia-18 on an old iPad, using the on screen keyboard no less. It’s time to get modern. I plan on trading up my iPad and MacBook Air for something shiny and new.
I bet you do your accounting with an abacus. 2011? Shit. Is there a word size limit on a computer that old? I forget, it has been so long. Also, I can’t write on tablets. I have HUGE hands, so I am forced to either hunt and peck with like, six fingers max, or use a real computer with a real keyboard. I’m currently using a new laptop I got from a friend that’s like three feet wide. Looks like a fucking ironing board with a monitor attached.
- Exercise. Overrated, underrated, whatever. What do you do to burn calories and maintain your rock hard abs?
I’ve been doing headspins and backspins for nineteen years to keep in shape and impress the ladies. When that hurts too much I pop in P90X or Insanity and sculpt glorious dimples into my glutes.
GLUTE DIMPLES. I can add no further banter to improve this question and answer.
- What character’s death ripped your heart out and shat on it like a frat boy in a Porta-Potty at a Phish concert after some alley tacos and dollar beers?
I’m still reeling from Viserion in Game of Thrones, and bracing myself for what may happen in the final season. I think some alley tacos and dollar beers will make it all better though. I will be ripping some hearts out myself when I finish writing the sequel to Naevia-18. 😉
Spoiler alert, Chris, Jesus. I guess if you’re not caught up by now on Game of Thrones, you’re screwed no matter what, so be it. And yeah, that dragon going down was BRUTAL. And as for your sequel… ripping out readers hearts is really the magic we writers work with. Congrats on setting appropriate career goals.
- If you could automate a single task around your house with a robot, what would it be?
Everything to do with washing the dishes. Though it’s sometimes a chore even putting on clothes. If I could have a wristband like the girls in Naevia-18, then I could press a button and I’d have an instant outfit. I’d at least be clothed when the artificial intelligence in my dishwashing robot gets too advanced and the darn thing overthrows me.
You really gotta watch out for the artificially intelligent appliances. Can you imagine the chaos that a rogue KitchenAid would bring to the world? What about a blender? Or the ice maker in your fridge? CHAOS.
- What’s something (a trope, let’s say) that comes up over and over again in your genre that drives you frigging mental that you wish you could change?
The chosen one! One person is fated to save the world from imminent DOOM. Granted, there are some great stories out there that have a chosen one trope, or other cliches that have been overused in science fiction and fantasy. That one stands out the most to me. I still enjoy a lot of what I read though, so there are authors getting it right.
Now that I think of it more, did Naevia-18 have a chosen one trope? Was Naevia the chosen one? Am I my own worst nightmare!? Nah…
I can’t say much, as my post-apoc series revolves around the idea that the main character MIGHT BE the ‘chosen one.” Whether or not he is, is a big point of the story’s friction. So I guess I am okay with stories like that. With that being said, I totally see what you’re saying about the trope.
Killed it, Chris. Thanks for stopping in!
Christopher Guhl is a science fiction and fantasy author from Des Moines, Iowa. His debut novel, NAEVIA-18, released in December 2018 from Autumn Arch Publishing. Christopher picked up his love for writing at the University of Iowa, and in his spare time enjoys cosplaying, breakdancing, and hanging out with his wife and their little dog.
Link to Naevia-18:
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #11 – Brian Parker
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#11 – Brian Parker – author and narcoleptic
You guess which one of these badasses is Brian.
I met Brian on Facebook several years ago back when he was releasing his first book. He and I instantly hit it off, as we had the same parole officer at the time. He of course was fresh off a stint at Rikers for stealing gerbil food from some condos in the San Antonio area. But, we’ve both changed over time. He’s now a successful writer, still serves in the Army doing some kind of weird, important shit he doesn’t like to talk about, and I’ve gained a lot of weight. Fun!
On the real, he’s a great writer, and I’ve enjoyed a few of his books.
Brian volunteered to do an interview, so I rolled some dice for his ass. His rolls were the following: 3, 2, 6, 10, 8, 7, 4, 1, 7, 5
And here were his answers to those questions…
- What’s a food that people eat that you just can’t figure why the hell they eat it?
A: Tofu. Especially meat-flavored tofu. If a person doesn’t eat meat for religious, cultural, dietary, or whatever reason, why, why! would they ever want it to taste like something they either are not allowed to have or the thought of doing so disgusts them? They don’t go around making kale-flavored steak. You know why? Because kale is nasty and meat is awesome!
You know I don’t get that either. Like, if you hate meat ethically, why would you want to eat something that tastes like meat? Now, if you don’t want to eat meat for health reasons, or can’t, or whatever, and you still like the taste of meat… Now that I get. To be fair, I’m married to an ethical vegetarian who doesn’t eat anything meat-flavored, and actually makes fucking great tofu. She knows how to cook it, and I like it. It isn’t going to beat out a steak any day of the week, but when she makes it, I eat it and enjoy it.
- What made you decide to ruin your self-esteem and embark on the path of being a writer?
A: I had an overabundance of self-esteem before writing. Seriously, like so much that I was outshining all of my peers and needed to be brought down a notch or two. Cue: writing for other people to read! I’m still way too confident for my own good, but looking at my monthly sales statements usually give me a temporary relief from all the oppressive winning.
Yeah.. the gut check of royalty statements. No bueno, as often as not. And as for struggling with confidence, hey… at least you got an overabundance of it. Could be worse, and be afraid to do anything due to crippling lack of self-esteem. Think the Army did that for you, or was it your allegedly ‘giant’ wang?
Inquiring minds want to know.
- What’s your favorite classic movie? Something at least 50 years old, give or take? Bonus points if it’s black and white. More bonus points if you’re old enough to have seen it in the theater.
A: Hmm… While it’s about a decade younger than 50, probably Ghost Busters or Spies Like Us – classic Dan Akroyd; Bill Murray, and Chevy Chase… Oh! What about Fletch! That was a great one. Basically, I like 80s and 90s comedies.
Fuck. Yes. I was raised on this generation of comedy. That and Hee Haw on Sundays because my parents were into country music. I saw half of the movies from this decade in the cheap theater with my dad on matinees. Wow.. such nostalgia. I’ll forgive that you didn’t follow the instructions correctly, but I’m making a note on my report card.
- Pets? Do you have them? What’s the best thing about each of them?
A: I have 2 dogs. We were supposed to get 1 dog, but they were the last 2 of the litter and the kids couldn’t bear to see one of them left alone…cue two dogs. The best thing about them is when they shut the hell up. They’re miniature poodles; extremely annoying yappers, but they’re cute.
Miniature poodles are essentially just house alarms that you need to feed and clean up after. One of my sisters has had one for like, 40 years, and I swear all it ever did to anyone but her was bark and yip. I’m sure once everyone left her house it was a good pet but man… Gets old being barked at for hours on end. Sweet job on the succumbing to child-sourced peer pressure.
- Overpopulation of the world is a big problem. We’re running out of food, water, oil, and other things like clean underwear. What can we do to sustain human life for longer?
A: We need to nuke it from orbit to be sure. Wait, are we talking about your underwear or humanity? I got confused there for a moment.
It does get a little fuzzy once you get into the deep water on this subject. As far as nuking it from orbit, yes, most days my underwear is just a few moments away from being considered either a crime scene, or an environmental disaster.
- If you could meet anyone alive on Earth, who would it be, and why would they get an immediate restraining order against you? Or, what would you talk about?
A: I’m pretty humble, could give a shit about anyone in Hollywood or sports guys. I don’t think I want to meet anyone in particular. I can’t remember the quote now and I’m too lazy to Google it right now, but there’s something about don’t ever meet your heroes because they’ll always disappoint you. Restraining order would be because people can’t take a damn joke and get their feelings hurt. There is something funny in just about any situation…but I’ve been called a massive asshole by more than one person before, so there’s that..
So rather than list off someone you think it’d be cool to meet, you essentially call yourself an asshole? You know, this is why I like you. Confident, wise, and very self aware.
- You’re all alone for a quiet evening… After you watch some… television, what do you settle in to do?
A: Drink. I mean, come on. An evening to myself at home to have a glass of scotch without the kids running around, yelling or fighting (or me having to yell at them) would be heaven. Oh shit, I forgot about the damn dogs. Well, there goes that idea of a quiet evening.
I… don’t remember a time where I wasn’t being interrupted by a kid anymore. Nor do I remember a time where I wasn’t constantly course-correcting my eldest from ruining something, or trying to kill herself. At least our dog is quiet, and our liquor cabinet well stocked.
- If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?
A: All the time. I don’t think I could retire on it, but I’d at least be able to go on a bomb-ass vacation and maybe buy a small island. Away from everyone (See question #7).
Man, I’d kill to own an island in a warm to temperate region. Not too goddamn hot though. I sweat peeling an orange, so I’d need a cooler portion of the year to recuperate. I’d also need a boat.
- If you were to find a genie that granted wishes in a lamp, what would your three wishes be? And don’t be lame, and wish for more wishes. Let’s talk quality over quantity.
A: Um, hello? Quantity has a quality all of its own. Ask any Korean or Vietnam War vet… Let’s see, what would I wish for? Health, wealth, and unlimited tacos. Not those crunchy asshole tacos that shatter and get all over my lap either. Street tacos with real Mexican cheese. Seriously, best cheese I’ve ever had was in Juarez from a taco shop. I went around the corner and crouched down, ate them like a homeless guy. So good.
Dude… street tacos are the best thing, ever. During my travels to Texas, if I couldn’t find decent street Mexican, I settled for food trucks, as they’re the next best thing.
- Sometimes we write in genres that have a bad rap. Zombies are dead, vampires are lame, faeries are stupid, the apocalypse is never coming, romance is dead, whatever. How would you tell someone who doesn’t read what you’ve wrote that you’re worth giving a try?
A: Fuck you. I do what I want. Take it or leave it. Don’t wanna read it, cool, bro. Oh yeah, remember my comment that I come off as abrasive, well there it is.
Is that like, your marketing strategy? Seems kinda controversial, like… I think you WANT to convince people to read your shit, not send them away with their tail between their legs… But then again, maybe you’re into seeing people walk away with a tail? I don’t judge. I’m sure you’re still struggling with all you’ve had to endure being in the Army, and having kids, and two yippy miniature poodles.
Stay strong, brother. Stay strong.
Thanks Brian!
Brian Parker is an Active Duty US Army soldier and multi-genre author who is both self- and traditionally-published. He’s written zombie books, post-apocalyptic/dystopian novels, paranormal and military fiction and even a children’s picture book. Currently, he has seventeen full-length novels, three anthologies, and several short stories available and plans to release his eighteenth novel in the next few months.
Check out his books here on Amazon!
Follow him on Facebook! www.facebook.com/BrianParkerAuthor
The #10D10 #Interview Challenge update!
If you’ve been reading the #10D10 Interview Challenge here on my website, thank you so much.
Today I wrapped the 10th interview with EJ Stevens, concluding what I’m calling ‘series one.’ If you’d like to catch up on the interviews, there’s a post in the #Ringfamily Facebook group with all the links, or you can scroll down the main page to look for them manually. Read what you like, but they are all pretty great, and you might find a new author or artist or narrator you like.
Link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1476143502643183/permalink/2256911551233037/
With series one wrapped… that means we’re going to series two, and we’ve got ten more creatives coming. Here’s the schedule of who’s coming up:
4/26 Brian Parker
4/29 Chris Guhl
5/3 Veronica Smith
5/6 Javan Bonds
5/10 R. L. Blalock
5/13 Jeff Strand
5/17 Armand Rosamilia
5/20 Adrienne Lecter
5/24 Shawn Chesser
5/27 Gareth Stevens
Keep an eye peeled for the posts on Twitter and Facebook announcing when they go live, and if you have any feedback, let me know.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #10 – E.J. Stevens
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#10 – E.J. Stevens, author
I met E.J. at a small author gathering at our mutual friend Remy Flagg’s house a couple years ago. We had all gathered to discuss the business of writing, and I knew about ten minutes into meeting her that she had her shit together far better than I did.
Might be because she lives in rural Maine without all the crazy distractions offered to me by living in rural New Hampshire, but who really knows. Point is; she’s smart, creative, funny, successful, and I wanted to interview her for the 10D10 challenge!
E.J.’s rolls for the interview were: 6, 1, 3, 10, 6, 7, 5, 6, 1, 7, though she only answered seven of the questions I put to her. I blame her rocking out to inspirational music!
So before we start, I just want to point out that in the first ten 10D10 interviews, no interview has been the same yet. Mission accomplished!
And now, onto E.J.!
- What’s your favorite cold beverage and why?
My favorite cold beverage is coffee. I never intend to drink it cold, but I get so immersed in the worlds that I create that I forget my caffeine fix until it’s ice cold.
See, it’s answers like this that allow me to have faith in humanity. I can say to myself, “I’M NOT ALONE.” Huzzah to you for hallucinating so vividly you forget about your drink. Happens to me. Happening to me right now.
- Do you listen to rad music when you write, and if so, what are your most rad favorites?
I can’t listen to music while I write, but I do like to create character playlists to get in the mood to write. Think of it as a super rad mood board (okay, I do those too!). Here are a few sample playlists from my Ivy Granger series.
Ivy:
Stand My Ground by Within Temptation
Survivor by Destiny’s Child
The Kill (Bury Me) by Thirty Seconds to Mars
Going Under by Evancescence
Broken Pieces by Apocalyptica and Lacey
Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling and Lzzy Hale
Horse and I by Bat for Lashes
Ceff:
River by Bishop Briggs
Iron by Woodkid
What the Water Gave Me by Florence + The Machine
I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li
Jinx:
Human by Rag’n’Bone Man
What Have You Done Now by Within Temptation
There Is XXXX (Within My Heart) by You Say Party! We Say Die!
Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
The Only Exception by Paramore
Forneus:
Seven Devils by Florence + The Machine
Bring Me To Life by Evanescence
Cuts You Up by Peter Murphy
Human by The Killers
Running Up That Hill by Placebo
For You I’m Bleeding by Wolfsheim
Kaye:
Only For A Night (Ceremonials) by Florence + The Machine
Marvin:
Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men
Mab:
Castle Down by Emilie Autumn
The Killing Type by Amanda Palmer
Ice Queen by Within Temptation
Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Will-o-the-Wisp (Willem):
Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford & Sons
The Glaistig (The Green Lady):
Carnival of Rust by Poets of the Fall
Melusine:
Sinking Ships by Trees of Eternity
Running to the Sea by Röyksopp
Sir Gaius:
Satin in a Coffin by Modest Mouse
Leanansidhe:
Frozen by Within Temptation
Sparky:
What Else Is There? by Röyksopp
When I’m Small by Phantogram
What songs are on your Ivy Granger Playlist?
I am afraid to say I have no songs on my Ivy Granger playlist. I do however have a ton of Spotify playlists mostly revolving around my teenager years, as I chase that nostalgia. Also, I completely feel you on mood-building music. I can get pumped to write an action scene by playing the right song, or get into a romantic scene in the same way. Music is a crazy thing we humans invented, for sure.
- What pulls you out of a movie or book most? Bad dialogue? Bad Special effects? What? WHAT I DEMAND TO KNOW?!
I’ve been screening dozens of TV shows and the thing that will always pull me out of the story and make me change the channel is non-consensual sexual advances. I nope right out of there. I also have zero tolerance for animal violence. Amazing book but you kill the dog? Sorry, not for me. (see below)
Animal violence is a rough one, especially if the genre can call for it. It’s like that Sarah McLachlan video for the ASPCA, or Humane Society. I bawl, and bawl… Horror movies are no sweat, but if a puppy gets hurt, I lose it.
- Pets. Do you have them? What’s the best thing about each of them?
I had an adorable corgi. She was the best writing partner. I also had three cats who literally saved my life when they woke me during a home invasion. Pets are AWESOME.
CORGI! I think they are a top ten breed for raw cuteness factor. Their legs! Their cute little faces!!!
And a home invasion? What the flying holy shitballs of hell? That’s messed up. Praise those cats. Pets can be serious heroes too.
- Is time travel possible? Or likely? If you could travel through time, what’s one thing you’d want to do?
I think anything is possible. I’ve seen ghosts, UFOs, and other things that I can’t explain. Time travel seems mundane by comparison.
As an amateur Ripperologist, I’m tempted to travel back to London’s East End to learn what really happened, but I’ve done too much research on the Great Stink, the Vanishing Girls, and the Thames Torso Murders to really want to travel back to Victorian London. I’ll skip time travel and go on a cryptid hunt!
A fascinating, and actually pragmatic response! I would be really afraid of travelling through time for fear of messing something up. I’d much rather take a really neat vacation where I could get mauled by a mythical beast. You’re totally on point with that.
Also.. what the hell is the Great Stink? *off to Google*
- I love games. Do you enjoy playing games? Card games, board games, naked Twister, that kind of thing? What games do you like, or have played?
I’m a huge gaming nerd. I grew up playing boardgames, D&D and Shadowrun D20 RPGs, Vampire the Masquerade LARPing, and have played video games since I received an Atari 2600.
I KNEW IT. I sensed the gamerness with you. I grew up with AD&D, and VtM, and all the Storyteller/WoD games. They colored so much of my imagination for so long, it’ll never change. I find commonalities in my urban fiction that aren’t accidental, though they also aren’t intentional.
I… I had an Atari 2600 *nostalgia intensifies*
- Why are we so frigging obsessed with robots? Like, why are robot vacuum cleaners a thing?
I blame Voltron. They combined cats and robots. What’s not to like? Admittedly, I don’t own a Roomba. Have you SEEN that episode of X-Files?
I don’t think anyone in my life has ever blamed Voltron for anything until just now. I mean, if my friends were wandering around pretending to be a giant mecha made out of giants cats, they might’ve blamed that behavior on Voltron, but somehow… I feel that’s different.
Voltron is awesome, for the record.
And no, I haven’t seen that episode of the X-Files, and now, I don’t ever want to.
Thanks E.J.!
E.J.’s interview concludes the first season of the 10D10 challenge. As more interviews come back to me, I’ll set up the next ten people, then share the schedule. I hope everyone has enjoyed “meeting” my interviewees, and enjoyed our banter back and forth.
Reach out if you have suggestions, or questions, and please stay tuned for more authors, artists, narrators, and other random people I feel like rolling dice for.
E.J. Stevens is the bestselling, award-winning author of the Ivy Granger Psychic Detective urban fantasy series, the Spirit Guide young adult paranormal mystery series, the Hunters’ Guild urban fantasy series, and the upcoming Whitechapel Paranormal Society Victorian horror series. She is known for filling pages with quirky characters, bloodsucking vampires, psychotic faeries, and snarky, kick-butt heroines. Her novels are available worldwide in multiple languages.
Connect with E.J. at http://www.EJStevensAuthor.com and @EJStevensAuthor on Twitter.
Want to begin your adventures in Harborsmouth? Love free books? Sign up for E.J.’s newsletter and get the first novel free today! http://www.subscribepage.com/n6k1a5
Want more free reads? Love ghost stories? Imadjinn Award winning short story Frostbite is free today on all retailers. https://books2read.com/Frostbite Prefer audiobooks? You can add audio for less than a latte. Frostbite audiobooks available in English, French, and Italian.
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #9 – Scot Thomas
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#9 – Scot Thomas, author, indescribable smartass, guy who did that thing one time
Scot and I connected on Facebook back when Adrian’s Undead Diary was just a real time story being written for its website. My buddy Joe I think hooked up with the page he and his friends were running; Zombie Apocalypse Preparation. They wrote funny shit and practical shit about how to survive, and we instantly became acquaintances, and now, dare I say, friends.
I knew I’d ask Scot to do one of these, because he consistently makes me laugh. His profile pictures are DA BOMB. His face, man. Kills me. I mean just look at the picture above. Reminds me of this picture:
Anyhoo, Scot’s rolls for this interview were: 7, 8, 9, 3, 9, 6, 8, 7, 3, 8
And here we go. Brace yourself. It’s about to get real.
- To booze, or not to booze?
Booze of course. Within moderation, if you have left the house, and no holds barred if you’re sitting at home.
Agreed! One of the reasons I dislike going out to bars is I feel like I need to moderate. I won’t drink if I’m driving, and I really can’t afford enough alcohol in a bar to get drunk.
2. How many front line characters have you killed off while writing, and how much joy did that bring you?
Any character I write into a story is dead. They just don’t know it yet. Even if they make it through the first story their untimely death is surely around the corner. I enjoy killing characters. It’s one of the small joys of being a writer. I mean, who needs that kind of baggage?
I suspect you’re the kind of person who scoops bugs into a jar to ‘save them’ but then once you’re all alone, you invent crazy ways to kill the bugs in your jars. Totally well adjusted, and, that idea for a serial killer is now officially mine, no one steal that shit.
3. Who’s your favorite actor and actress, and what are the best examples of their work? Bonus points if your answer isn’t Ben Affleck in Phantoms, despite him being the bomb, yo.
I do not have a favorite actor or actress. I have favorite characters in stories who were played by great actors or actresses. However, if I was forced to choose, and I can’t name Ben Affleck in Phantoms, I would go with Robert Downey Jr across his entire body of work. On the actress side, I’d go with Molly Ringwald. Because I grew up in the 80’s.
RDJ is the shit, gotta agree. He’s consistent across all roles. As for Molly… I think that’s just your teenage hormones giving her a shout-out. What’s the ballpark figure on number of pole-waxings you gave yourself watching Sixteen Candles? I mean, I know it’s probably a fluid number, what with you owning it on DVD now.
4. What’s the secret to playing Monopoly with a loved one, and retaining that relationship after all the rent is paid?
There is no secret, and no relationships afterwards. Monopoly is an intensely savage game you only play with people you want to write out of your life. Table flipping is always an option.
Pyrrhic victories for the whole family!
5. You’re renting a car, and the one you want is gone. The rental agency offers you a choice: sports car, or SUV. Which do you take and why?
I will always go with the SUV. I’m a dad. My kids need room. Can’t be funny with this one. Stupid practicality.
I own a minivan. I’ll say it again.
6. What’s something you royally screwed up in your life?
What haven’t I screwed up in my life? I mean come on. No solid relationships, my finances are in ruin constantly. I mean, I got some pretty good kids. But that’s about all I got going for me.
Your kids are amazing, and that is no little thing, brother. And as for money… anyone with kids is always surfing that wave now. Also, your book was awesome, your bald head gleams like the skull of a trophy you’ve never won, and you live in an area with crushing, oppressive heat.
But really. You’re cool. At least, I think so.
7. Do you like to travel? What’s one of the coolest places you ever went, and are you allowed to return there after what you did. Shame. Shame on you.
This is probably the most difficult question you’ve asked. I love to travel, but I fucking hate travel. Travel comes with many things I despise. People, new experiences, people, strange food, people, odd time zones, people… the list goes on but mostly includes people. I have been to almost every continent. Most exotic place I went, Antarctica. Yeah suck it. Touched the South Pole. It’s real. I mean, not naturally occurring, but real.
I bet you touched the “South Pole,” you freak.
Actually, if that’s true, that’s awesome. And as far as the people thing goes, I understand that.
8. Of everything you’ve ever read (not TV or movies) what hero, or heroine made your heart soar with badassery or love?
It’s hard to pick one hero out of everything I’ve ever read. From comic books to novels I’ve had a plethora of people who inspired awe and love. If I were forced at gunpoint to pick just one, it’d be the goddamn Batman.
Batman, for real? Like, the Dark Knight period, or the Adam West period?
9. Electric cars. Are they for you? What about robot cars? What’re your feelings about Skynet?
Electric cars are fucking awesome, until you want idk A/C on a road trip. Robot cars are an abomination. Not because they will one day realize humans are shit and go on a killing spree, but before that they will be like unpaid bounty hunters. Warrant for your arrest? Cop just puts a call out to the neural net and you are delivered. Screw that noise. Internal Combustion and no damn brain for the win. Skynet is a hoax. I for one welcome our new AI overlords.
Artificial Intelligence terrifies me. The idea that an unemotional computer personality will make decisions related to me or my family… no bueno. I’ll take flawed human beings all day, every day.
Also, my wife is terrified of robots, so I have to hate them.
10. Conventions: Awesome experiences, or plagues upon humanity? What’s something good and bad about them?
I have been to about 50 conventions in my life. Most as a fan, but 5 as a writer. I will tell you what, despite my overwhelming hatred for the general public and people in general. They’re fucking awesome. I love just seeing all the passion people have for worlds created by others. When you can inspire a following, you are better than a God.
I love me some conventions. They’re tough; a lot of work, and exhausting, but you see so much camaraderie amongst people who were looking for a place to belong. It’s awesome.
What if you can inspire a really solid, like, bountiful bowel movement? Is that the same thing as inspiring a following? Am I a God?
Thanks Scot! I appreciate you not shitting all over coffee like Wilburn did a few interviews back.
Up next week: E.J. Stevens!
Scot Thomas was born in Austin, Texas to loving parents who remain married to this day.
Childhood was uneventful. Went to school, finished school.
He has lived and worked all over the world, his favorite place to this day being Texas, which is where he currently is.
He has written countless stories, and told many jokes, but only one book has yet to be published.
That one book, truth be told, was just a 300 page dick and fart joke which sold far better than expected.
He spends most of his time reading works by other authors, and writing more stories that likely will never see the light of day since he is well compensated at his day job.
Read Scot’s 300 page dick and fart joke here on Amazon!
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #8 – Patrick Freivald
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#8 – Patrick Freivald, author, beekeeper
I had been friends with Patrick on Facebook for years when I looked over from my comfortable folding chair at the Scares that Care convention last year and thought to myself… “I think I have a restraining order against that guy.”
I was right. There, RIGHT there, was Patrick Freivald, man, myth, writer of horror books, teacher of physics, and keeper of bees. Turned out to be a really cool weekend as we could shoot the shit inbetween talking to people, meeting fans, and doing lines of coke off of cosplayer’s asses.
Ah, the memories.
Patrick’s rolls for this interview were; 9, 1, 4, 8, 9, 1, 2, 1, 2, 3
And with that, let us commence!
- Is a hot dog a sandwich?
One of my favorite jokes is a question and answer.
If you call a tail a leg, how many legs does a dog have? Four.
It really doesn’t matter whether or not any given person decides that a hot dog does or doesn’t fit the definition of a sandwich, a hot dog is delicious under two circumstances.
- Zweigle’s “White Hots” are amazing pork hot dogs you can get in Western New York and nowhere else, and they’re awesome on or off a bun, with whatever toppings you do or don’t want on them, bun or no. Just shut up and count yourself among the most blessed of humanity that you get to partake in such divinity.
- In New York City you can go to most streetside carts and get a boiled all-beef dog (kosher or halal) with a myriad of toppings. They’re really skinny, so get two on one bun, with chili, sauerkraut, ketchup, mustard, and onions. Shove it in your head while walking down the sidewalk in a mass of people who are fun to watch and possibly as delicious.
- Wait, what? I didn’t say that. People are a sometimes food. No, wait, don’t eat people. That’s mean.
What if the people are already dead? Is that still mean? Asking for a cannibal. I have not had any of these mythic hot dogs you speak of, but I shall add them to my lengthy bucket list of things left to eat in the world. Also, your toppings sound ON POINT.
2.Do you listen to rad music when you write, and if so, what are your most rad favorites?
I write almost exclusively to Coheed and Cambria. The music is awesome, and the lyrics are gibberish, so they don’t distract from what I’m trying to do.
Coheed is the shit. My buddy Derek and I got to catch them live in Boston a couple summers ago, and they were stellar. They have such a power rock feel to them.
- Do you prefer movie theaters, or watching flicks at home?
It depends entirely on the movie. Dramas, comedies, mysteries, and so forth I prefer to watch at home. If it has explosions, robot fights, superheroes, or whatnot, I generally watch them in the theater. That said, if there’s a movie I really want to see that is of the former rather than the latter category, I’ll pay to see it in the theater rather than wait.
Ahhh, so pragmatic! And sensible!
- What’s your Achilles heel? Lack of rest? Cheesecake? IBS?
I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. You wanna take me down? Better hope you’ve figured it out before I do!
Well I know it’s not bees, because you have those. Maybe it’s like… expensive facial creams. One day someone will bring you to a day spa, and we’ll read all about how you caught on fire there.
- You’re renting a car, and the one you want is gone. The rental agency offers you a choice: sports car, or SUV. Which do you take and why?
In my everyday life I drive a Yaris. Cars are all about getting from point A to point B as safely as possible. That said, I’ve driven several BMWs at one time or another, and on one occasion a Ferrari. I’d take the sports care, because vroom vroom!
When you can vroom vroom… you might wanna vroom vroom! I own a minivan now, so I have to live any automotive excitement I might feel the need for through people with fast cars. People like you, with your Yaris.
- None of us published our writing to watch it collect bad reviews and low sales, yet here we are. When you set out on your publishing journey, what was it you really wanted to accomplish?
I want to tell cool stories and have people read and like them. While I wouldn’t mind getting fantastically rich or popular, I have no illusions about how unlikely that is. From my Facebook-serialized Mike Szymanski story to the pro-pay, award-winning anthologies I’ve been a part of, to the twice-award-nominated Matt Rowley books, all I’ve ever wanted is for people to read my stuff and say, “Fuck yeah!”
Amen to this. All I ever wanted was to give myself a creative outlet, and tell a story that my friends would laugh at, or find interesting. I love this attitude.
- Do you enjoy making art other than writing? Drawing, painting, sculpting, pudding throwing?
I play Warhammer 40K, so have kitbashed and painted many a miniature. Most of the rest of my non-writing creative energy goes into competition robotics.
You… you’re a gamer? I don’t think I knew that about you. I still own my Black Templars 40k army, though I mostly play Warmachine now. My buddy Mike picked up two starter armies for The Other Side, which is super neat. Uses cards to play instead of dice. And I LOVE the hobby aspect of miniature games! The assembly, painting, basing, all of it.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?
Too many.
So what’s your favorite book?
- What was your first mobile phone? Was it in a bag? Was it the size of a brick? Or are you a youngin’, born into the smart phone era? Also, what’s your high score on Snake, if applicable.
I have no idea what Snake is. My first mobile phone was the size of a brick, circa 2000. I was one of the first to not have a home phone, I think.
You’re a goddamn trendsetter, Patrick. What else are you doing now, that no one else is doing that we can adopt from you? Please don’t say weird butt stuff. Please.
- What is it about the genre you love to write in, that resonates so strongly with you? What about it made you want to sit alone, hallucinating for months on end to tell a story about people that don’t really exist?
I just like telling stories. Some are sci-fi, some are fantasy, some are horror. Most are pretty dark. I’ve never really self-analyzed why I do what I do, and I don’t know that I’m terribly inclined to. If I get bored with telling stories, I’ll probably stop. But I’m not bored yet, and don’t see that happening in the foreseeable future. Y’all keep reading, I’ll keep writing.
Preach. Write what interests you, and you’ll always be interested in writing, I guess. After that, the hope is connecting with people who are interested in what you like to write. That or just advertise a ton, and blanket the market hoping to catch people with impulse purchases.
Whatevs.
Thanks Patrick. You rock.
Up next week: Scot Thomas; broadcast journalist, tech nerd, Texas resident, future President of a Girl Scout Cookies Thin Mint fan club.
Patrick Freivald is a four-time Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of a half-dozen novels and dozens of short stories, a beekeeper specializing in hot pepper-infused honey, a teacher of physics, robotics, and American Sign Language, and an award-winning robotics coach. He lives in the middle of beautiful nowhere with a gorgeous redhead, three parrots, too many cats, two dogs, some chickens, and several million stinging insects. You can find his work at Patrick.Freivald.com, and delicious hot honey at www.FrogsPointHoney.com.
Check out Patrick’s books here on Amazon!
The 10D10 Interview Challenge #7 – Jay Wilburn
The 10D10 Interview Challenge
#7 – Jay Wilburn, author, kidney thief
Jay Wilburn is one of those people who when you see them in person for the second time, you’re like, “Aww, not again.” I mean Jay’s wife is the NICEST, but Jay kinda smells like the floor mats in the family minivan during mud season, and he just goes ON AND ON about running half marathons, and his spare kidney. Jay also was kind enough to write a short story for the AUD anthology Only the Light We Make. His story was about a kid who got stuck in a warehouse filled with hemorrhoid donuts.
I’m not kidding. And, it was good.
Anyway, the dude has kids to feed, so I figured, let’s do an interview with him.
Jay’s rolls for the interview were: 8, 4, 7, 3, 10, 2, 3, 6, 8, 9
Here we go;
- Coffee is the best of all beverages: prove me wrong or agree.
It is so difficult to address drug addicts about their problem. *puts up intervention banner* I’ve never understood people who essential give themselves a hot, bitter, often expensive laxative every morning right before they go to work and start their day. I drink water because I have three kidneys to support. I will speak well of you after you are gone, as your corpse is still twitching from the caffeine.
I don’t think you really read the question, Jay. I also feel a little attacked by your answer, man. As soon as these shakes die down, you and I are gonna have some heated words over my fourteenth cup of coffee. Also, I should poop first.
- When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?
Damn, this is going to be that kind of interview. More often, I stare for a moment and then reread the story to try to figure out what they see in it. When I read a bad review, I think … oh, yeah, I know, right? That is exactly what’s wrong with this story.
I get that, that confirmation when someone finds the issues you had with it after you published it. Good times, all that doubt and loathing. Also, thank you for reading the question, and answering it appropriately.
- What was the first movie you saw in the theater, and what did you think?
I believe it was E.T. and I my thought was why doesn’t something cool like an alien invasion ever happen to me.
I saw ET in the theater as well. At the time we had some aliens living in the basement, and thought it was actually just a drama based on a kid who had a life just like mine.
- What’s the secret to playing Monopoly with a loved one, and retaining that relationship after all the rent is paid?
Same with a sketchy date. Have someone call you with a fake emergency before the game is over and then run out the door. Go relax with a hot cup of bitter laxative farmed by slave labor in countries plagued by cartels and failing governments to the sound of mid-2000’s pop-folk-electronic fusion and work on your screenplay.
Dude, relax on the coffee hate, it’s no bueno. Besides, we grow coffee right here in America! Ever heard of Kona coffee? Grown in Hawaii? Wait… wait. America is kinda plagued by political cartels, and a failing government.. so maybe you’re a little right.
Still kind of a dick, though.
- Which would you rather do; have a nice cookout on a summer afternoon or dip your junk in the water?
I have been medically excused from participation in social activities, recreation, and democracy. I pass on all choices. I believe in God, but I’m a social-recreational agnostic.
Hippie.
- What’s your current work in progress, and why is it taking so long to finish?
I have multiple works in progress because I am a fool. That answers the second part. I just released Vampire Christ. That is a horror satire of politics, religion, and current events. I’m working on releasing several Lake Scatter Wood Tales. These are Goose Bumps style stories for younger and struggling readers. I’m also finishing up a biography of a man who grew up as the son of a bootlegger cop in Appalachia-Kentucky and struggled to make good. I’m excited about that one because it will be my first real nonfiction release. That one is called How to Make No Friends Everywhere: And Other Stories from the Road.
That last one sounds like the hotness. Is it autobiographical? I feel like the title just SCREAMS ‘I”m Jay Wilburn.’ I could be wrong. And that kid’s book sounds awesome! You’ve got the humor, and the style to make that a real success.
- Are you a sports person? Were you, at least, before the crushing weight of adulthood ruined all that you loved? What sports did you like to play, or watch?
My dad was a baseball fan while I was growing up in Atlanta, so I got to watch the Braves when they were consistent losers. He’s dead now, so I stopped watching baseball.
Since my kidney transplant, I have started exercising more. The average prognosis of a live donor kidney is 13 years. That gives me about a decade left. I remember what kidney failure feels like, so I ride a bike a couple days a week. I’m also running a lot. My ultimate running goal in a double marathon 52.4 miles. I’m up to 20 miles now and building. I also cut out hot laxatives from my diet.
Annnnd we’re back to the three kidneys nonsense. Jay. Jay. A hotel bathtub and a steak knife is not a ‘transplant.’ Get real, brother.
Annnnd we’re back to the marathons thing.
Annnnnd we’re back to shitting on coffee.
Full circle.
- Best villain you ever read, and what was it about that antagonist that resonated with you so strongly?
Gollum. He’s interesting, troubled, tragic, motivated, and feared despite his weakness. Owns an island, but isn’t flashy. Travels to exotic places. He drank lots of water and only ate organic and free range goblins. He never supported oppression by drinking hot laxatives laced with stimulants pushed by giant corporations feeding on the brand of social responsibility. Really living his best life.
Gollum really is the tits. Tried to do good, wear nice jewelry, eat healthy fish, and then blam! Little hobbits show up, and throw a monkey wrench into everything. You ever stop and wonder if Starbucks was inspired by Sauron?
Food for thought, as I DRINK MY HOMEMADE MAPLE-ALMOND ICED COFFEE.
Suck it Wilburn.
- If you could live in any setting based on a science fiction universe, what setting would that be, and why? What about it makes you want to live there?
On one season of the TV show Sliders, they landed in this one universe I always thought would be cool to visit because it is so far-fetched. Trump runs against Bill Clinton’s wife and wins with help from Russian robots. In that universe, there was only one season of Firefly, but America’s Funniest Videos was on like 40 seasons. Playboy stopped showing nudes, Keifer Southerland had a country album, and you can call strangers with your Star Trek communicator to come pick you up in their cars. And then watch all the porn while you are waiting. Betty White and Captain Sulu are the greatest philosophers of our time and Bill Cosby went to jail. North Korea signs a peace treaty with South Korea. Neo Nazi’s march on Washington and have to fight Juggalos. It’s crazy, but I just have to see what it would be like to live there. Can you imagine?
Sliders, you say? Such a great imagination to come up with such an outlandish scenario for the American future. I’ll have to look it up on the Netflix.
- What celebrities have you had the chance to actually talk to, and did the experience live up to the expectation?
I sat and talked with Governor/ Talk Show Host/ Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee at an event at a youth center fundraiser in South Carolina. I wasn’t expecting much. I got a picture with him, so I can throw that up on social media randomly as a nonsequitur. We mostly talked about the logistics of filming a talk show and how he spends as little time in New York as possible.
Kim Coates from Sons of Anarchy took my phone and made fun of me one year at Scares That Care. That was pretty awesome.
To be fair, many people take your phone and make fun of you at Scares that Care. You have ‘victim’ written all over you when your wife isn’t nearby to protect you.
Thanks Jay! This one was awesome.
Up next week: Patrick Freivald
Jay Wilburn is the author of the Dead Song Legend series, Vampire Christ, the Lake Scatter Wood Tales for younger readers, and many other great books. He is the host of the Matters of Faith Podcast and he is the Splatterpunk Award nominated author of “Seersucker Motherfucker” found in his short story collection Beautiful Darkness, only available at JayWilburn.com his website. He also had a story in Best Horror of the Year volume 5. Jay Wilburn has three kidneys because he stole one, and now he is working toward running a double marathon. Follow him at JayWilburn.com, @AmongTheZombies on Twitter and Instagram, and on Patreon at Patreon.com/JayWilburn because he is worth it.
Check out his books here on Amazon!