The 10D10 Interview Challenge

#6 – Dean Thomas, author, and Australian

I have no idea who Dean Thomas is. Somehow he got ahold of my dice, and rolled up a set of questions for himself, then went home to Australia, and emailed the answers to me.

I figured, screw it, he’s Australian, and I’ve NEVER been led astray by an Aussie before, and here we are; interviewing Dean Thomas. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Dean’s rolls for the interview were: 4, 3, 3, 5, 6, 10, 2, 4, 5, 9

All that said and done… here we go.

1.) If you were giving food to a near and dear friend, what food would that be?

First of all thanks for taking the time to ask me these questions Chris! I hope you can understand me as I speak my native Australian tongue. I think we once had an Australian prime minister Julia Gillard who visited your country and your mob had to arrange a translator because no one could understand her! If you need help, may I suggest this site https://www.theintrepidguide.com/how-to-speak-australian/#.XJGU2mJfiUk

When I first heard this question about food Chris, I thought ‘Oh cool, a nice easy question’. Let me explain why it’s so simple. I’m a fatman. Therefore, food is very important to me. The world could burn for all I care as long as I can get a curry… then all is well with me. It isn’t that I’m not a caring person, I just care more about my food. And there is only one food group that I care about. Safe to say it’s not vegetables. No body has ever been crafted and chiselled like mine based upon a framework of vegetables. That one food group of course, is curry. In that food group the only thing that varies is simply the degree of burn. I could easily eat butter chicken or chicken vindaloo for each and every meal for the rest of my life. I sweat drops of beef korma.

And therein is the problem. Yes, the type of food is easy to choose, but, and it is a big but! Because I care less about the world and more about my secret curry recipes I don’t have any friends. Well almost none. I do have a demented beagle… but truth be told I don’t think he likes me so that doesn’t count. Actually, he is like me, in that he doesn’t really like anyone! Hang on! Hold the phone! I do have a friend, the first person to buy my book and leave a review – Stacey Ann Bryant. I like her so much I sent her a signed copy of my book with my secret butter chicken recipe handwritten inside of it. I hope she is guarding that well! I suppose an internet friend counts? Look out Stacey the secret is out… the interwebs know where the recipe is.

Ok back to the question what food would I give a ‘friend’, and I will have to use the mini me inverted comma thing when we say ‘friend’, the food would have to be the hottest chicken vindaloo ever. Because frankly, I am not a nice person and I want to watch people burn from the inside. I like to imagine them sitting on the toilet the next day passing something that hurts and is even hotter leaving the body than it was going in. Because I am that type of guy! A sad lonely fatman with no friends. Will you be my friend Chris?

I will absolutely be your friend. You answered like, eight questions in just this one answer, AND you make curry. I love curry. Almost as much as I enjoy cake. So yes, we are now friends. Especially if you have a good Korma recipe.

2.) Plotter or pantser, and why?

I couldn’t plot my way out of wet paper bag. I wish I was a plotter, I really do. But once again… it all just seems too hard and so I go for the ‘say what is on your mind’ sort of thing… bumblebees… ice cream… carnage… train wreck… snazzle. Seriously I think I am mentally damaged and that makes it completely impossible to plot anything. I don’t think the world knows just how lucky it is that I can’t plot anything. The world’s a safer place as a result. If I am to think about it and study the reason a little more, I would have to conclude it because of the ‘I don’t care thing’… I just don’t care enough about anything to plot! However, if I was to write a cook book on curries then I would definitely plot that one!

Annnnnd we’re back to curry. I sense a theme with you Dean. A delicious, Indian food related theme. And as far as plotting goes, I totally get it. I find myself plotting only the big stuff, and then letting my imagination fill in the blanks, and take me where the story needs to go. It’s so crazy to watch happen.

3.) What pulls you out of a movie or book the most? Bad dialogue? Bad special effects? What? I demand to know!

Usually it is security.

Personally, special effects don’t interest me much. However, in saying that I would like to see the idea of multiple narrators take off a bit more on Audible titles (which I suppose is a type of special effect).

The key for me is finding characters I can relate to. Maybe, that is why I liked DeadPool so much! I can relate to his worldview. And without being too much of a suck Chris it is why I got hooked on your Adrian Diary’s series. BTW Chris it was you and Keith C Blackmore oh and Jake Bible who have got me hooked on Audible. The money I’ve spent in audio books is staggering. I hope my wife doesn’t see this. You people have got me hooked so bad that I am running out of titles to listen to. So stop this interview thing and do some more books Chris and you Mr Keith C Blackmore… I’m looking at you!

The common thing amongst those authors, I think, is the development of one character who I really like. For example in your series it is of course Adrian. In Keith C Blackmore’s writing you have to love Gus. In Jake Bibles Z Burbia it is Mr Stanford. I also enjoy books in which the author is able to really nail dialogue between characters. For example Haywood’s use of dialogue between characters in his Undead series always makes me laugh. And there is the key… that sort of dialogue can only occur in stories which don’t take themselves too seriously. I hope I am not insulting anyone here but zombie stories should be fun and a bit tongue in cheek or off centre. The world is far too serious already for my liking. I like stories which do not take themselves too seriously. I read to unwind not to be stressed. When a character I like is killed off I generally sit and stew at work and get even more cranky. Working in IT, the last thing you want or need is to be worked up any more than you already are. The world seriously does not need another postal IT worker! Seriously people how hard is it to turn something off and on again.

You’re in IT? *backs away slowly*

But seriously, thanks for listening to AUD, and saying kind words. Your secret is safe with me, and the few thousand people who will read this interview.

4.) What was the most awkward date moment you ever had?

To be perfectly honest Chris I am such a cool guy I can truly say I have never had any awkward date moments. And no before you say anything it isn’t because I have never had a date. It is because it has been such a long time since I have been on a date. I have been married for over 25 years now… yes to the same person. And my memory isn’t that good. But I do recall my first attempts at courting my future wife. I do recall them well. I believe her first words to me were ‘Go away. Get lost find someone else to harass’.

Her name is Christine and she is a good looker with great personality! The problem I had was that I came from the other side of the tracks to Christine. She grew up in a missionary family. I certainly did not! I was forced to move state after running foul of the law when I may or may not have chased a pizza delivery boy with a chain saw. If I did in my defence I was young and maybe a little under the weather. I know there is no excuse for that behaviour (so kids if you are reading this, do as I say not as I did).

When I moved interstate the only person I knew was my second cousin Anita, who was a good looking sort, I was lonely, and I thought if she is a good looking sort she will have some good looking sort of friends. AND SHE DID! I knew from the moment my eye fixed on Christine I would spend the rest of my life with her. Anita and her friends were all Christians and had never smoked or drank but despite not doing the things I thought were fun and would make me happy, these girls were always happy! Instead they went to youth group and things like that. So I did what any red blooded Australian male would do and tried to fake it. I started going to church and even youth group. I didn’t fake it very well, and the youth group leader had a hard time with me. One weekend the youth group went on a camp and being inexperienced in the ways of a person such as myself, the youth leader created this game, a hug coupon game. The rules were simple. If at anytime during the course of the camp, someone gave you one of these hug coupons you had to give that person a hug and say ‘I love you and so does Jesus’. Well I went up to every guy who had one of those coupons and basically said give me the coupon or I’ll smash you. Pretty soon I had every coupon. Off I went to pay Christine a visit. I handed her the coupons… thinking that she would be a good Christian and do exactly what her leader had said… I was wrong… hence her first words to the person she would spend her life with were ‘Go away, get lost find someone else to harass’.

As a side note, I asked one of Christine friends out and she said yes. That’s when I think Christine got interested.

The moral of the story is although there is always a NO out there waiting to hit you, keep going until you get a YES… then you never know one of those NO may change! Yes I know that makes me sound like a user. But I like to think of myself as just as a real go get em type guy!

So like, theoretically… did you try and kill someone with a chainsaw BECAUSE you were going into IT, or was that just a coincidence?

Asking for a friend.

Beeteedubs, cute story about you and your wife. I’m shocked you’d keep your spending a secret from such a wonderful woman. Shame. Shame.

Please don’t kill me with a chainsaw.

5.) Is time travel possible? Or likely? If you could travel through time, what’s one thing you’d want to do? Killing Hitler is a given, so let’s get personal.

In a sense time travel is already possible isn’t it? Isn’t time different for people orbiting the earth? Isn’t that a type of time travel? Yeah, I know I will never be a sci-fi writer. With my limited understanding of the subject, and it is very limited, I would say no it’s not likely. But I wish it was. My life hasn’t always been easy Chris. Early on in our marriage we were harassed by a deranged stalker for several years. Then we had a baby girl. A ripper of a kid I might add. And then bingo another child. However, the doctors told us our son would not survive birth ‘he was incompatible with life’. But he was, in fact, compatible, and with many months in hospital and lots of surgery he is now thriving. The blessed child is now taller than me! I know that going back in time would not make a difference except for the fact I could tell the past me ‘it will be ok’. So, in that sense time travel into the past at least is not that important for me personally although there are two past occasions where I wish it was possible to go back in time. I wish I was with both of my grandparents when they died. I wish I was there to hold their hands and tell them how much I love them. And that’s enough on that because my keyboard is not water proof.

Sure, sure I want to travel back in time to see great events, man walking on the moon. Watch the bloke who first thought milk would be a good thing to taste. Actually, on this question of time travel I just finished “The Didymus Contingency” which is based on that all too common theme. But “The Didymus Contingency” had enough twists and turns to keep me really interested.

I’m so relieved to hear your son has thrived! And is taller than you too! Although, you could be like, three feet tall, and he’s like, three foot four, which kinda takes the wind out of that story’s sails. But seriously, meeting your grandparents like that would be amazing. I would think that you’d also want to go back in time to meet the people making the world’s first curry. But the grandparents thing is way better. WAY BETTER.

6.) Whose autograph would you be willing to have tattooed on your body, and where would you get in on your body?

Well I do recall seeing an article about a lady in the States named ‘Deja Viau’ Possibly her autograph on my chest so whenever I get up I the morning I could see myself with that name in the mirror. Or perhaps Rick Roll… who doesn’t like a Rick Roll every once in a while? Or Joshua Conner Moon tattoo on my but. Simply because that guy is a BUTTHEAD of the biggest kind.

 Three people? Man you got low standards. Swing for the fences! Hugh Hefner! Obama! The Princes of England! The dude who just changed the oil in our minivan! Matt. His name is Matt. Runs a great garage here in Marlow, NH.

7.) Do you enjoy making art other than writing?

No I could never be involved in art because it sounds too much like fart and I am so much more mature than that. I get all the therapy I need in writing. I also get a great deal of satisfaction in writing because like I said before (and I hope I have said it before), I have a bad memory. Once I write something, I put it away and come back to it long after I have forgotten about it… read it… and get a good laugh out of it… I suppose it depends if it is a good laugh or a bad laugh though, but that is another story for another day. Hey I just noticed something Chris, this question implies that my writing is an art. That makes me laugh because once again I am thinking of fart and secondly because FATZ Fatman and the Zombies is really the ramblings of a mad man who has no hope in a hopeless world. Not something I would consider art, but then again I have never understood art.

Dean my friend, what’s the point in UNDERSTANDING art? Create it, enjoy it, share it. You my friend, will now always have to deal with F-Art.

8.) When you are reading or listening to a book, do you like shorter chapters, or longer ones, and why. Frequent pee break needed, or do you have a bladder of a camel god?

Chapters too me are just numbers. I don’t stop just because it is the close of a chapter. Actually my problem is I just don’t stop. Pee breaks are not a problem… come on Chris who doesn’t read in the toilet.. in fact, as an author you must have done some of your best work in the toilet. On a sad note I have had cancer and with such a sagging aged body I have to spend most of my life on the toilet because you just never know when it is needed. As a result the bathroom is a place of critical importance in our household.

I have two little kids. I hide on the shitter like it’s my damn job. I mean, wish I could. My daily constitutional hits right at rush hour in the morning as the kids are getting ready to get out of the house, so my toilet time is limited.

And, I might add, I do a lot of thinking in the shower, but not while peeing or pooping. I play a game on my phone (Dungeon Hunter Champions, btw, and if you wanna try it message me, I have a referral code that gets you free in game shit, and gets me the same too) and scream and grunt to work the poop out.

9.) If I could automate a single task around my house with a robot, what would it be?

Basically, any task my kids are supposed to do. Because neither of my kids do them. But I would say the number one thing would be the kitty litter. I mean that job just sucks big time. Nothing sucks more than that cat pee or poo smell on a hot Australian summers day, and then to top it all off, that stupid cat sits up and watches me take the poo and pee out and looks at me as I do it, with that stupid smug cat look which says… ‘yeah that’s right hooman, you take it. There is more where that came from you pleb’, ‘and while you are out there I am going to pee on your clothes and won’t know until you are late for something and have no other clothes washed. And you shall forthwith smell of pee pee and be a laughing stock to all of the other lowly humoon scum that you are’. But honestly Chris I might be reading too much into my cat… I’m not sure.

I think you’re reading just about the right amount into the cat’s thoughts. Cats are awesome pets, but if they were a little larger, I think they might just eat us. And as for the kid’s thing.. that’s genius, and also terrifying for me. I had held out some hope I could get the girls to do stuff as they grow, but now I’m not so sure.

10.) What celebrities have you actually had a chance to talk to, and did the experience live up to the expectation?

I once meet Bruce Willis in a toilet. No it wasn’t everything I thought it would be… He is much shorter than I thought he would be. I hope that counts.

Like how short? Did he just walk under the stall wall and stare up at you as you deposited your most recent spicy curry? Did it live up to everything you thought it could be? Either Bruce, or the curry?

Thanks Dean! This was awesome, and I’m so glad you broke into our house.

Up next week: Jay (Captain Three Kidneys) Wilburn!

Reverend Dean Thomas was born in Ryde Sydney and is most likely Australia’s fastest fat man.

Dean is a very passionate man who has experienced many strange things. For example he passionately hates sand and salt water, but strangely has saved two people from drowning while at the beach. And he lives in a coastal town.

His taste in food is simple – the hotter the better! He loves to cook curry and burn the tonsils off anyone who is brave enough to join him.

By trade Dean is a cabinetmaker, apple mac technician, ordained Baptist minister and all round super handsome guy who does like to exaggerate somewhat, especially in his writing.

Living in Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, he enjoys the comfort of sitting indoors where there is no sand or salt water with the air-conditioning set at a chilly 18 degrees, while watching the motogp or world superbikes or anything else that goes vroom vroom.

Dean’s favourite hobbies include riding old motorcycles as fast as possible to sample the delights of bakeries all over Australia. Wherever he has travelled he has been on the look out for zombie hordes and has become an expert in recognising any suitable zombie fortress… just in case it is ever needed.